I'd be on my own if I chose to keep the baby

I've been with my partner for 5 years, we already have a gorgeous 2 year old, but I've always said I wanted 2 kids, and I'm very very jealous when people are pregnant or have babies. But about 1 week before Xmas I found out I was pregnant, roughly about 4 weeks! I knew for a day before I told my partner, and I played out telling him in my head and the reaction I'd get, Nothing like I could ever imagine! He told me he loved me and our little girl but I'd be on my own if I chose to keep the baby, he told me he couldn't have another 1 just yet and although he wouldn't leave me I'd be doing everything on my own. I was devastated and heartbroken and went to bed. The next day I went to work and called him at lunch time, I told him I would consider an abortion but obviously we had to talk and I needed him to support me. I got home and we both spoke and agreed an abortion would be best, we both aren't ready for another baby, I just started a new job and he has just done courses to get a new job, we are saving to buy a house and would eventually love to get married. I knew his feelings on another baby already and we had been careless and I'd fallen pregnant, deep down I hoped he would change his mind but his mind was set. I couldn't even imagine our little family of 3 becoming a family of 4. And the thought of loving someone as much as my little girl was not even a possibility. I called my local sexual health clinic the next day as the Drs couldn't give me an appointment for over a week. I just wanted to get "fixed" the nurse I saw was very old fashioned looking and I thought I'd be in for a tough time with her as I'd previously had the implant and got it taken out a few months previously and went on the pill (I was desperate for another baby deep down I know that) the nurse was fantastic, so caring and sweet. She was very understanding and talked me through all my options and didn't pressure me into anything, she understood I knew what I wanted. When she told me I couldn't get an appointment at the hospital until New Year's Eve I almost collapsed. I just wanted it over and done with. How could I be so stupid and ruin Christmas for my beautiful family? I smiled and got on with it. I haven't told anyone apart from my partner. I'm signed off work but told everyone I'm on holiday from work. I'm hiding from friends and family and I feel awful. I have constant sickness and nausea all the time. ( I was like this with my 1st baby too) which means I need to hide more from everyone as I don't want them to suspect anything. I hate having to lie but I don't want anyone to know. I would lie in bed and trail the internet for hours and hours on end, looking for ways to end my pregnancy, I tried overdosing on ibuprofen, letting my little girl climb and jump all over me, I just wanted this thing causing me all this pain and sickness to leave my body. As I write this I'm still pregnant. My abortion isn't until next Friday where I take my 1st pill and next Saturday where I've been told I'll be in all day. I felt so alone and my partner and I barely talk. It's like I have some huge disease and he won't come near me. I know he loves me but he's struggling too. I told my best friend and she promised to look after my little girl while I had an appointment at early pregnancy to date my pregnancy. My partner couldn't get it off work. I arranged to meet my friend and she didn't show, I was devastated. I had to take my gorgeous girl to an appointment to arrange to get rid of another gorgeous baby. The waiting room was split into 3 sections and I had to sit and wait on my own on this row of scabby seats while all these happy couples came in with their pink/blue folders awaiting their scans. And then there'd me sitting to the side with a screaming 2 year old on my own. I could see the sympathy in the nurse's eyes as she called my name and said "haven't you got anyone to watch the wee 1?"I shook my head and burst into tears. She took my little girl and led me for my scan. The scan woman didn't speak to me apart from to tell me to lie down and unzip my trousers. The room was dark and quiet. The big screen in front of me was turned off. And no one spoke. She told me I was 6 weeks and 5 days. (I roughly knew I was around 6 weeks by this time) I sneaked a look at the screen as I skulked out the room muttering thank you. I got my little girl and the nurse showed us back to the waiting room. I sat for almost an hour and a half to be seen again. I got the sympathetic eyes again when the next nurse asked me the same question, "don't you have anyone to watch the little one?" This nurse was fantastic, I explained my situation and told her how I thought all I ever wanted was 2 babies and how now I couldn't think of anything worse. I actually can't believe I even thought I wanted this baby so bad. It went from being my partner's decision to being all about me and how my body didn't want to do it anymore and my mind never wants to do it ever again. She was understanding and sweet. She was great with my little girl. She took bloods and explained the process to me. I felt so comfortable with her and understood this wasn't going to be a walk in the park. She then told me I couldn't be seen for another 12 days. The hospital places for abortion were fully booked until the 10th Jan. I cried and sobbed. I just want my life back! It's taken 3 weeks to get all this done, and that's from 2 days after I found out. I still have 6 days until I get my first tablet. I'm still keeping it a huge secret. I'm running out of ideas on how to avoid people. I've been a terrible girlfriend and an even worse mother. All I want to do is lay in bed and be sick. My partner's had to take time off work to look after our little girl. I've cried a few times but only because I want to be better. I looked up 8 weeks ultrasound as that's what I'll be and wish I never! I'm going to kill something with a heartbeat, but I can't have it. I just want it to be over and done with. I feel like a terrible person. How can I hate this baby when I loved my 1st one?

Editor's Comment

It sounds like there is a battle going on between your head and your heart, and you've closed off your heart feelings to get through this and cope with the abortion. I think in your heart you still long for a baby, but your head is telling you that it's not the right time and your partner doesn't want another baby yet. You may be fearful of resenting him if you allow yourself to want this baby, so you have aligned yourself with him. If you need any help or support it is available. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 04/01/2014 and it's been viewed 141 times.

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