I'd always thought I could never have a termination

By anonymous on 08/01/2014
I wanted to share my story as I read so many while making my own decision, yet found that very few people seemed to be in a similar situation to me...

I'm 37, a mummy of 3 and in a happy and very loving marriage. Our children were much wanted and planned and we enjoy our life together as it is. My husband earns a good wage but it's hard to afford everything on top of our mortgage and I work part time for pocket money.

Just before Christmas, my period was 2 days late. Not unusual for me but I got a test to ease my mind and save the worry hanging over me at such a fun and busy time. Mistake. It was positive!!
One night, around ovulation my husband and I were just having a lovely time together and he lost control of himself. Never happened before in our 14 years together, always happily using condoms! So I got the morning after pill...what a load of rubbish that was!!

I instantly thought, I don't want a baby. I don't want to be pregnant. My little one is still a baby, life has only just got back on track..my husband's job has been iffy and is immensely stressful...I can't go through PND and the misery of early pregnancy again so soon, especially when I didn't even want a baby.

I rang BPAS the next day and made a consultation but had to wait almost 2 weeks for that due to Christmas. Such a hard time, the hardest in our lives. So many tears, feelings of shame, guilt, not being sure. But always my heart told me no, I didn't want to continue this pregnancy, even though I'd always thought I could never have a termination (I've grown to hate the A word!!)

I found BPAS to be great, one nurse was a little robotic and seemed uncaring but it was 'ok'. I opted for the awake surgical option as I wanted to drive myself (children on school holidays who are proficient readers asking difficult questions about where I was going!) and get home asap afterwards.

So that happened yesterday, just over 2 weeks since finding out. The wait was horrendous, but good as I knew in my mind I was certain and that my decision was right for my whole family. I think I'm maybe cold hearted but I never thought of the issue as a baby or imagined what it would be. The not wanting it stopped me doing that, which made it easier.
I have very big hang ups with exposing my body so that was terrifying for me and definitely the worst aspect to it. I had local anaesthetic in to my cervix and experienced no pain whatsoever. Bit of discomfort but no pain. I could've had gas and air but it wasn't necessary, and in any case I'd have refused because it is for giving birth in my mind (silly I know!!) I also asked that they turn the radio off as I wanted no bad associations or emotion attached to music I love...it was fine, so quick.

The relief afterwards was mind blowing and I sobbed like a baby and my heart hurt because I so needed my husband (who was looking after the children at home) but once that was done, it wasn't long till I was home with my hot water bottle and resting.

I still feel ok, it just felt so right. I did it for the babies I already have and that I've loved for 8 years, for my husband's sanity and for myself. I will always feel a bit guilty, but it's only me and him that'll ever know about this. Our only judgement is our own. We have vowed to take positives from this experience and I know we will do.

Editor's Comment

Thanks for sharing your story. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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