He's gone, my baby is gone and I am left confused.
All along people had told me of the stress and he had said how he wasn't sure he would cope and that he didn't want it and all these things and I was so confused and I just wanted everything to be back the way it was. The way it was when we were us and we were totally in Love. We had been so strong together that I thought we could get through anything but he didn't seem to believe he would cope with a baby until then, that moment when he said yes.
So I did it, I had the abortion.Confusion, fear and desperation for us to be ok made my decision for me and I terminated the pregnancy. I lost my Lucy.... I gave her away. I thought it would be easy to decide we had made the wrong choice and have another baby rather than him being so stressed he could not cope if we continued. He said he was worried about my stress and how I would cope. I knew I would be fine. I have had a difficult upbringing but if there is one thing above all that I excel in it is looking after others. It was my way baby.... I hate that he said he was worried about me and if I could cope. He told me specifically he couldn't but he just assumed that I wouldn't be able to. We said we would be strong and we said we would work through this and be there for each other.
Then he left me.6 weeks after the termination, we had an argument as I found he had been lying to me about porn but telling me he had no interest in sex. He was distant and he were talking about it but he said he loved me more than anything and that he has never felt this way about anyone. He has had the best year, the best birthday, the best holiday, the best sex,... the best everything.. so he says... but we are not right for each other. He can't handle it, the relationship is too up and down. The relationship was great! We had some tense times, like when I moved away but it was great. He just left me. The one reason I didn't keep my baby, the one reason was to make sure we were ok and that we could be more stable and then have a family... then he left. He says it is nothing to do with the termination and it has nothing to do with "last year's guilt" (6 weeks ago... in december). He's gone, my baby is gone and I am left confused. Everyone EVERYONE told me that this was my decision, I said no that he was important to me an that it was us. I don't blame him for the abortion, I love him. But he is gone and I am lost and I am not sure how I will ever rebuild myself. I never believed in relationships until I met him and my heart has been torn out. I have no idea how to make these things better and I know time will help but the pain is so great. I was never offered counselling after it and now I have to wait months before I get any. Having an abortion has been the worst experience of my life, I have lost everything. Having a baby would have been the best, it would have been hard and maybe he still would have left but I would have had my child.
Editor's CommentI am so sorry that the decision you thought would save your relationship failed. The uncertainty you both felt made it an impossible choice, and although you hoped things would go back to how they were, you had both been changed by the experience you went through. Losing the pregnancy and the relationship are two enormous losses, and I am not surprised you are feeling so much pain and loss.
If CareConfidential can help support you until you have your counselling please contact us through the helpline or confidential Online counselling service.for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 27/01/2014