I'm 21 yrs old and have been seeing my partner for about six months. I have been in love with him for going on three years...

By anonymous on 28/09/2007
Hi, I'm 21 yrs old and have been seeing my partner for about six months. I have been in love with him for going on three years and we have just got together and recently bought our home together.

A few years ago, I found out I was pregnant and I decided to keep it as it felt like the right thing to do. Unfortunately, after 27 weeks a scan showed that my baby had died in the womb and I had to have an induced labour. The pain and suffering I went through was horrific. I promised myself that if it ever happened again, I would not even consider an abortion, whether I was in a relationship or not.

I have just had my first scan and I am 11 weeks pregnant. My partner came with me for the scan and it was overwhelming for both of us. He knows what happened to me all those years ago and he even said to me if it did happen, then he would follow my decision. But now it’s here, he's adamant that he doesn't want this baby.

We both have good jobs; he is in the RAF and I am a top sales manager for a good company. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I want nothing more than to have this baby. Every time I close my eyes, I can see the scan and the midwife pointing out that it was waving its little arm, the picture was so clear. I just can't stop crying. I have booked an appointment with my GP and I am going to go with his decision and have the abortion but I know I will never forgive myself, ever. I just don't know what to do. Please advise. I know no-one but me knows the answer. But I have no more energy left to think of a solution myself.

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…you really are torn, aren’t you? And it’s very painful for you to be in this terrible dilemma. As with many women, you are faced with the choice of losing the baby or losing the relationship. My question to you is if you go through with an abortion, how will you and your partner relate afterwards? How will you feel towards him for his lack of support for you and your pregnancy? Will your relationship survive what you feel is your ‘heart being ripped out’? Having an abortion doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship will stay intact – you risk losing both him and the baby. Whenever we choose to go along with someone else’s decision about something that affects us, we can end up angry, blaming and resenting them. It’s hard for relationships to survive with those kinds of feelings.

Losing a baby through natural death is one kind of pain – one that we can, in time, heal from. Losing a baby from our own choice, when we don’t really want to, is a contradiction, and a pain that is far more difficult to come through.

I think you would benefit from talking to someone who understands these issues. You are deeply ambivalent about the choice you are making and you need some support in working out what is really going on at a deeper level in you. Please contact your nearest centre or ring the helpline as soon as you can.

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