Almost a year later, I find myself still coming to terms with things. I posted a story here 'I instantly knew that I was pregnant' last year.
I know it's not something you can do alone but he told me that if I went through with it I would be on my own and yet I am on my own even though we didn't have the third child. I have been seeking revenge in the sense that I started to see one of his friends behind his back, which was found out. I am all so confused, I just don't like feeling like this. I have had some counselling and am now taking anti-depressants. I so need to be strong as this 'friend' is still seeing me behind his girlfriend’s back, which somehow I need to knock on the head…I don't know really what I am doing - I need to be strong but find myself very weak and vulnerable.
I really wish that back in October 2006 I listened to my heart 100%. I very nearly walked out of the clinic. I just hope that one day I can forgive myself; I know I deserve punishment which I am receiving...but this can't go on. It’s not fair on my two children. Why am I stuck in the past?
Editor’s note: Thanks for writing again…anniversary dates are often triggers for negative feelings so it’s not surprising that you are feeling the way you do. What you are experiencing emotionally are recognised symptoms after a termination. You were deeply ambivalent about going through with it; you wanted your partner to love you and your child and now you are hurt, angry, resentful, even engaging in passive aggression by having a relationship with your ex’s friend. At the same time, you know this new relationship is messing you up even more. You have suffered a relational breakdown with your partner, having gone through with ending the pregnancy in order to preserve your relationship, not lose it. You are trying to be strong, but sense deep down that you deserve to be punished and have to pay for what you’ve done. This is all to do with guilt and shame and makes you feel weak and vulnerable. On top of that, anti-depressants are simply keeping all this at bay by numbing you to these negative emotions. Things have gone from bad to worse for you, haven’t they?
But there is a way through this. You know already that advisors can be kind and compassionate. I strongly recommend that you get in touch with a centre and have some specialist care using a recovery programme. It’s free and confidential. No one is going to say ‘I told you so’. You’re worth more than that. You can find your nearest centre on this website. Please don't struggle alone any longer.