I have always been one against abortion especially growing up from a strict family background.
I was the happiest girl on earth, glowing, everything just seemed perfect though there were slight hiccups in the relationships but to me they were minor. When my best friend had her first baby, the feeling of having a child got so strong I couldn’t help it. But I couldn’t have a child out of wedlock due to my religion and my family so it was out of the question. But one day I felt this urge of wanting a child so bad I just couldn’t wait. I felt ready and I just did not care about the world or whatever. I thought I could get away with it, especially when we had planned to have a secret wedding. But unfortunately things didn’t go as well as planned.
From then my boyfriend and I started trying for a child. We made use of every time we had (we lived in different cities) so it was almost like every week we were together. When I was off work, I would go there and when he was off, he did the same. Being on summer vacation meant having more time. I remember praying so hard towards my period that month that it would be positive. The time came. I did the test. I was gutted. It didn’t happen. I cried so badly and blamed it on the medication my boyfriend was taking for his depression. I just distanced my self from him little by little. In the second month of trying, it was negative again. This time I was so sure it would never happen I just started to resent him and that’s when it all started. He annoyed me. I took a good look at our relationship and for the first time I realised this wasn’t the guy I wanted to spend my life with. There were so many things about him that I hadn’t noticed. He was just so not real. I thought, had I spent the last almost year with this guy? How did I manage, I asked myself ?? I had all these question marks and it just killed my passion for him. He had these irritating habits. I couldn’t stand all the things that annoyed me. I was in confusion. I just wanted to end it. I went to visit him for the last time but couldn’t gather the courage to tell him it was over. Why?? Who knows? Not even I knew. How could something that seemed so perfect all of a sudden turn to this?
This was a mistake of a life time especially now when his sister started being so controlling. He was quiet but the sister just got on my nerves. It was as if he told her what was happening. He had once told me he couldn’t really date anyone because no one is patient enough with him so for the last four years before we met he was alone. He last had a proper date when he was in high school and is now in his early thirties. Half way through my twenties I told myself I was just a rubbish dump. I deserved better. I just felt the only reason I dated this guy was because he was what was available at the time not what I really wanted but someone I COULD TAILOR MAKE TO SUIT MYSELF since he was so soft. It really wasn’t the guy I wanted.
I had all these thoughts and I just wouldn’t let him touch me because our sex life was dead anyway. Whenever I felt I just wanted it, that’s when I would let him touch me so the idea of going back on contraceptives after failing for a baby in those FEW MONTHS I thought there was no harm. After all, this was my last time with him. If I had known, I would have reconsidered. Whilst I was still at his place I felt weird. The first week I was so tired and all I wanted to do was sleep all day long. This was unusual but it never clicked in my mind. The other funny thing is I started having this huge appetite and craving for hot wings from nearby "southern fried special". Every time I went on the bus I felt so sick I just felt lazy and I started to pee a lot. In the second week, alarm bells struck. I was worried by now. I took pregnancy tests but all were negative but still things were not right. In the third and final week, it tested positive. I had missed my period. I once cried over seeing the tests negative. This time it horrified me to see it POSITIVE.
I panicked. I went online and started checking on DIY abortions but I read the most sickening stories of how wrong it can get. It was scary. I was stuck. I didn’t tell anyone. After all, who could I tell when all people think I’m a good church girl? My relatives think I’m a virgin. Even my close friends too. I’d no one to turn to. The next minute, it was all over. I was happy I was finally pregnant. A few minutes later it changes I start thinking of how life could be stuck to this guy. I couldn’t take it. I wanted my baby so badly but I felt too many people were going to get involved. How was I to cope if people found out I got pregnant out of wedlock? I got really scared. How about uni? How was I to cope? I thought of a plan. I was going to hide it. I felt happy. Finally I had an idea. Then after giving birth, uni will be over, I could move away, start a new life where no one knew me, never mind the father. I didn’t need him, I thought to myself. I was happy but two days before I left, things changed. I felt I had to let him know he didn’t do anything wrong. It was just me who was the problem, I assured myself. I cried the whole time. I had to write him a long note telling him how things had been for me lately. He was over the moon. Finally this baby was going to make me stay in his life forever he thought.
I was happy too. We had a long talk and lovely night. The day I left we made plans on how things were going to happen. We had to wed quickly. On my way home I was happy. I got home fine but things changed after that night. I went on the internet searching on how I can hide a pregnancy successfully then I decided to check about abortions and read other girls stories and opinions. It sank in my mind I wasn’t going to be able to hide this pregnancy for long only a while, even though I’m a big girl. There were chances I was gong to get caught, the rate I had piled on the weight, the tiredness, everything. I thought it was too much after all. I wanted to enjoy my pregnancy, not to hide it. I wanted my baby to have the most out of life but I was cheating myself. I didn’t want this guy and it was the wrong reason to bring this child up.
I thought I’d book myself in for an abortion. My boyfriend was starting to irritate me again. His constant phone calls really got to me. He might have told his sister because she started acting mum and was pushy as usual. I didn’t want anyone to control me. Now I’m going to show them. They don’t joke with me like that, I thought to myself. My ex boyfriend called one day and I told him my period had come it was false alarm and I told him my GP confirmed it as well. He was so disappointed but what could I do? I booked for a consultation for the abortion but since the nurses were on holiday the next week and my pregnancy was so tiny they were struggling to detect it. They thought giving it time to grow would help though the tests confirmed I was pregnant. It was routine, they told me, but I had a choice to travel the next day somewhere else to another city to have it done same day. I thought I would go for it but I don’t know what made me change my mind. I said I would rather wait for the nurses to come back.
It was hell. I was comfortable with my decision to have an abortion but the week wait really got to me. I wanted my baby. I longed for this time for a long time. Now I wanted to kill it. I cried. I felt this was sin. God would punish me. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I was alone, I felt ready to die. Was there anything I could do to save my child and me too out of this misery?
The worst thing happened. A close friend of mine introduced me to this guy who I really liked but I was stuck. Should I tell him? Maybe he would help me out. I really liked him but I thought I would rather let him pass. He senses something was wrong but I just quit talking to him though I was dying inside but there was nothing I could do so it was now a choice to go ahead and have the abortion. What if he finds out about it? Then maybe if we dated he would dump me, or maybe we would get married, then find out. He would divorce me. What was I to do? I really wanted him but couldn’t have him. He made it worse when he told me he thought I was different and a good church girl. That just killed me and now telling him this it just wouldn’t do so I stopped communicating with him, though I wished I could. It was tough. I felt this dilemma was going to cost me so much. I decided to ask for them to postpone but now coincidentally, on tv, they started showing documentaries of abortion protesting against it. The pictures sent a chill to my spine. It was better to abort now and not wait if I really wanted it done. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I left it too long as first arranged.
Though I didn’t want to do it, I went in for my early medical on the 15th and pessary on 16th of this month, October 2007. Today is my 8th day. I really hurt to think I wanted this baby so badly yet I opted for abortion for my selfish needs. I’m talking to the new guy and we are getting on very well but I’m still in a dilemma. I’m avoidng meeting up with him yet because I’m still going through my abortion, though he cant wait. We have been talking on the phone, exchanged photos and he is so into me it scares me to think I’m going through this tough time alone and can’t even think straight. How am I going to break the news to him if he finds out i had this abortion during the time he was starting with me? How is he gong to react? Should I even tell him or hide it till my grave, whatever transpires between us in the future? I was assured it won’t be on my medical records and my own GP wasn’t involved because I refused to let him know about this. To be honest I believe in transparency but I just do not know how to break the news. What if he tells his sister in law, my close friend? People will know I did this. This past month I have been in a knot. When I’m going to break loose, I do not know. I’m scared, really scared. I have gone through this alone and no one knows till now. I hope my baby forgives me if it felt any pain though it was just 6 weeks and 6 days. I was just stuck. I just didn’t know what to do. I wouldn’t do this again ever. If it happens again I think I would rather face the shame than be a hypocrite. I feel alone. I know I’m relieved I went ahead with it but it doesn’t comfort me. It kills my soul to think I ever chose to do this. I really wanted my baby and I wish there was more help available to help me with my dilemma. I’m so sorry, baby!!!!!!!!!!
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story…It seems you have become more and more isolated as time has gone on. One thing has led to another and the situation has become worse for you instead of better. It’s very sad that now you have a secret that you feel is a barrier between you and everyone else – your family, your boyfriend, and your community. I think it would help you to receive some counselling that takes into account your whole story – from wanting a baby so desperately to having an abortion that grieves you. I don’t know where you are, but if you are in the UK, you can contact the helpline or visit your nearest centre. If you are in the States, you can contact Optionline on 800-395-HELP.