I regret a medical termination last year that went wrong.

I regret a medical termination last year that went wrong. I was in a casual relationship with someone and after a year fell pregnant after missing one pill. He did not want to keep the baby as he was going through a bad time with his daughter (not being allowed to see her) I was in 2 minds but decided abortion was the 'best way' because I did not want to bring a baby into the world without a dad and thought of the impact on my 3 year old son plus what my family would think.

Luckily he was with me every step of the way because I couldn't have coped on my own. I took the first pill and started bleeding that night. It got heavier and the morning I went to the hospital I just made the toilet. A bit graphic but it felt like egg sized clots were falling out of me and no pad was thick enough. I felt humiliated, blood was all over the floor and toilet. I went back in the room and the nurse was worried as I lost too much too quick. They took me into another room where I had to be put on a drip, an injection and gas and air to numb the pain whilst they scraped me with a scalpel to remove a clot close to the cervix.
A few hours later I still hadn't finished so I had 2 further scrapes. The pain was worse than childbirth and traumatic. All I remember is laying there sobbing my heart out ashamed at what I'd done. The third scrape the doctor had to remove the placenta. Before this he said the foetus has now passed, my heart sank. Then he asked the nurse if they were sure I was only 8 weeks as it looked too big. I cried even more.
We were there for 14 hours and I felt empty inside but still thought I'd done the right thing. My friend is pregnant and due around the time I would've been and all of a sudden I'm full of regret and all I want to do is turn back time. By coincidence the guy has messaged me recently and regrets it too which makes it even worse. I rushed into a relationship a month after this happened to forget and now it's hit me.

Editor's Comment

It is hard to have a constant reminder in your friend of what might have been. Sometimes your head can be telling you that you have made the right decision, but your heart is saying something different. The new relationship was probably helping you to suppress the feelings in your heart, but they have a way of leaking out. If you would like some post abortion support, it is available. for post abortion support. or call the national helpline 0300 4000 999.
This story was sent in on 18/04/2014

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