I got pregnant unexpectedly

I am 19 turning 20 in a few months, and he's 21. I got pregnant unexpectedly. I went to the hospital that night with my boyfriend. I was having cramps and missed my period for almost 2 months. Pregnancy never crossed my mind. I was taking my pill daily, almost always on time. I found out I was pregnant that night. I was shocked. I just broke down. How can I be pregnant?? I'm 19, in college. I work at Dairy Queen. I live in my boyfriend's parents' basement. I cannot support a child?? I came out of the doctor office and told the news to my boyfriend. He right away looked at me and said I can't be a dad now. I'm too young. We decided to give ourselves a few days to make a decision.

After a day or two he came up with a way out. I agreed at the time. I made the appointment. Closer to the day I began to notice I was growing. I couldn't help having big smile when I saw my belly in the mirror. I made that. That's me in there. I couldn't do it. I began to download pregnancy apps on my phone to chart my baby's growth. I had names; "Shileigh or Laksin". I wanted this...
Soon enough I remembered our said plan. I couldn't do it. April 5th came and off to the city we went. I cried the whole way. I went in there scared and hating myself. Why am I doing this?? I'm a killer. I'm a child killer. After the procedure I just sat outside the building and cried. I couldn't believe I killed my baby. I wanted to fix it. I want to go back.
I wish I had never done it. I regret it. I still do. I cannot move on from it. Every night I lie there thinking about my baby. How round would I be? I still rub my tummy like I am pregnant. I want a baby I want make things better. Every night I cry. I hate myself everyday because this. I am still with my baby's dad. He supports me for it and helps me. But yet, I still feel angry at him for making me think this was the right choice. Why can't I move on??

Editor's Comment

In your mind you had bonded with your baby and wanted to keep it. You went with your boyfriend's decision but in your heart you had planned how you would have kept the baby. That is where the pain is coming from now. I think that you need some post abortion help and support and I would suggest that you look to find this in your area.
This story was sent in on 26/05/2014 and it's been viewed 475 times.

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