I had immediately thought abortion was the way to go

By anonymous on 09/06/2014
When debating whether or not to have an abortion there was so much to think about I had no idea where to start. I thought if I can share my story and help someone out it would be worth doing. MY STORY I have only just turned 21 years old and found out I was pregnant towards the end of my degree. Once I took a pregnancy test I no longer felt like a university student but like an adult and a mother at that. I was not with the father, he was a friend of mine that I had slept with a few times. Protection was used but apparently not successful at one time or another and this created doubts when working out how far gone I was. I suffered with very little symptoms; I also have an eating disorder so any minor emotional or physical changes I felt I put down to side effects of that. I told the father the night of my 21st - I had already booked a consultation at the hospital and thought it was best that he knew before I made a decision. I half expected him to be angry or hate me, but he didn't. He was so supportive and caring, he made it as easy as possible for me. The next day we talked over our options, I had immediately thought abortion was the way to go - We were both 21, jobless and single after all. He agreed with me and said he wanted to come with me to the consultation. I told him I didn't want him there, I had already prepared myself for how hard the day was going to be and I didn't think I could deal with it if I had to bear in mind how anyone else might have reacted. This was selfish of me, and I realised that, but he was happy to do anything that would make it easier for me. Instead he stayed with me that night as I was struggling being on my own and comforted me then. I was just under 13 weeks pregnant. MEDICAL ABORTION I don't want to talk about the abortion in detail, but I had a medical procedure. I took the first pill just after the consultation and went home without any major side effects - a few cramps but nothing a hot water bottle couldn't fix. It was more emotionally draining - seeing my little baby on the sonogram and knowing what I was about to do was heartbreaking, I fell in love with him immediately. They asked me if I wanted to see it and before hand I was adamant I wouldn't look, but when the time came I think my maternal instinct took over. He was perfect. I was expecting to see a tadpole looking thing but it wasn't it was fully formed, beautiful, moving and human. I went in two days later for the second lot of pills and needed two doses. It was more painful than I could ever have imagined, I had some pain meds but nothing really seemed to help. The father didn't come with me - again I preferred he wasn't there but I knew he was thinking of me. I was there for about 6 hours, passing clots and bleeding a lot into bed pans until finally my baby came out. I tried hard not to look, but it was human nature I guess. I couldn't see much - there was a lot of blood - but I could make out the baby. I don't think I'll ever forget that for as long as I live. I advise anyone who is doing this to not look. Just close your eyes and leave the room. I left 2 hours later, mentally and physically exhausted. Although I was starving (I threw up several times) I couldn't bring myself to eat or sleep. I was grieving for my little boy (although I don't know why, I have a feeling it was a boy). AFTER THOUGHTS It's been two days since I had the abortion and I can't seem to find any peace. I always thought it was the right decision, but there is not one part of me that feels relief. I think that getting the abortion did not just end the life of my baby but ended the chance of a completely different life, one I never knew I wanted. I have never wanted children but now I see why people do. How were we suppose to decide something so potentially life changing on one sonogram and a night of talking? I sided on what I thought was right because of social stigma, not really thinking about what we wanted personally. It was all over so quickly, I don't think we even considered that there was another way. Physically it was true, me and the father were not as ready as we should have been but mentally I know he would have had everything from me. I loved him from the moment I saw the sonogram but I was too blind sided by my narrow mind and fear of being a mother. My baby deserved more than a quick conversation. We only thought of what having a baby would take away from our lives and not what we'd be gaining - a purpose and a love so completely unconditional. Deep down I know this was the right decision - I could not offer it a life it deserved, where it could be loved and supported by a loving couple. I am so sorry that it was created at a time in my life where I could not offer that. It's crazy but I miss the time I never had with the baby I never met. Maybe its because it is so raw but right now all I feel is regret and grief. I suppose at the end of the day there are two things I am trying say: 1) Please think long and hard, about the positives as well as the negatives, of keeping the baby and 2) you will feel regret/grief - no matter how sure you are that it is the right decision - so make sure you have a great support system. I cannot stress how great the father was throughout the whole of this, without him I would have been completely alone, and for that I cannot thank him enough. I pushed him away through a lot of it but he was still there for me 100%. I can't imagine what it is like to be confronted with something as life changing as a baby and yet have no say in the decision. If he decided he did want the baby there would have been no way to contest my decision. Although he respected that it was ultimately my choice, I think its sad that society can be so narrow-minded as to think just because they don't carry the baby that they don't get emotionally attached. He is grieving too. And I will never forgive myself for not letting him see his baby and witness just how perfect he was.

Editor's Comment

You have expressed a lot of self awareness, and the dilemma of feeling a decision is right without fully comprehending the whole issue, and exploring all the options. I think that there was a battle going on between you head and your heart, and your head won. Your head was telling you that you were too young and had no job or security, but then after seeing the scan image your heart longed to parent. It is your heart that is now grieving and that is where the emotional pain comes from. If you feel you would like some post abortion help and support please contact CareConfidential. for post abortion support. or call the national helpline 0800 4000 999.

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