17 days ago I had to end my pregnancy

I am 30 years old, married with 3 children. 17 days ago I had to end my pregnancy even though my husband and I wanted to carry on. As selfish and silly as it may sound we just simply couldn't afford another baby. We both work full time but from September all of our children will be in full time school so we will finally be in a better position financially but another baby would mean we would need to move house and get a bigger car let alone start fresh with equipment for the baby. We had sex in April and right away knew the condom had failed so the next day I took the morning after pill two weeks later I was sick and knew. The test was faintly positive but I was also getting horrible stomach pains so after speaking to my regular midwife she was concerned it was ectopic. After weeks of constant visits to the hospital for scans, blood tests, hormone readings and waiting to know if I was suffering an ectopic pregnancy and would need emergency surgery suddenly I was told I had two very large cysts on my ovaries and that my baby was finally growing well and I was 8 weeks and 2 days. It then meant the decision was in our hands. We knew we could put our heads in the sand and carry on and struggle to cope but with what would no doubt be an amazing baby. But deep down we knew we had to think of our other children. I was offered a surgical end to the pregnancy as they were concerned how I would cope emotionally with a medical option. A week after having our pregnancy confirmed we were booked in for the operation. I cried until the moment the tablets were put inside me then I knew there was no way back. After the op for 2 days I was calm, but realised it was just me feeling numb. I have ok days and bad days. I miss what could have been. I am sure my baby was a boy and I constantly think about him. I am still bleeding 17 days on and now my boobs are leaking. I feel a mess and although I was given sleeping tablets I still don't sleep. I am worried I won't get through this! I would have had this baby in a heartbeat with the support of my husband, family and friends but luckily they have stood by us through this decision. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and still don't see how I will ever get over it even though in moments of clarity I know it was the right thing to do for our family.

Editor's Comment

A very painful choice, and one that I am sure you thought you would never have to face. It may not be something that you will ever forget but I do believe it is possible to come to a place of peace and moving on from this experience. If you would like some post abortion support it is available so please use the service to help you get through this.You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, or log on to Online advisor,for post abortion support.

This story was sent in on 20/06/2014

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