I regret my abortion

In 2013 I had a surgical abortion.
I remember every tiny detail of that day and I think I always will.
I don't know where to start, because I have never told anyone my story before.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was over the moon. I am still with the father and love him more than I can put into words. His first thoughts were that I should get an abortion. I remember when he said those words and I cried until I fell asleep. I have always said that I would never have an abortion.
We talked in the following days and decided that we would keep the baby. I'd never been so happy.
Until we found out that he would be going to prison.
We had both already told our families, and a big part of me still wanted to keep the baby. Things that my partner said over the next few weeks made me feel like I was trapping him into having a baby. I didn't want to raise a baby alone and then introduce it to it's father after he was out of prison knowing that he or she wasn't even really wanted by one of their parents. I was cowardly and thought I couldn't do it alone.
I booked myself in for a surgical abortion and told everyone I had miscarried. Even my partner. I feel so stupid calling him a partner because I have this huge secret that I will never be able to share with him. I thought I was doing the best thing for me, my baby and the father but all I feel is regret and pain. I have never felt pain like this in my life. I was inconsolable for months after the abortion and pushed everyone who loved me away. I take it out on the baby's father all the time because although I know it was solely my decision, I feel like he made me do it. I don't feel that my pain will ever get easier and I quite often consider ending my life, but I know that that would be even more selfish and painful for other people than what I have already done.

More than anything I want to tell the father how sorry I am.

I cry every night when I fall asleep looking at him. If he knew then he wouldn't be lying there. I'm sorry that I never gave you the chance to be a father, you would have been amazing. I'm sorry that I felt I couldn't be honest with you, I know that you would have found a way to support my decision. I'm sorry that I lied. I'm sorry that I will have to lie to you for the rest of our lives together. I'm sorry that I say horrible things to you. I am still hurting. I think about the day of the abortion every day. I feel like I deserve to remember waking up without my baby, every day that I live.
I would give anything to turn back time. I want to be with my baby. I know that everyone will be disgusted by reading this story but it is too much for me to continue coping with on my own. I am not coping.
I feel like the worst person. I have caused so much pain but the only person in pain now is myself. Telling my partner and our families would simply relieve me of my pain and guilt, but would shatter their lives. I don't know how to go on like this.
I regret my abortion even though I know it was the right decision for me.
I keep a picture of my first scan in a photo album hidden away, 7 weeks and 2 days was the first time I ever saw my beautiful child. I felt such immense pride and love, seeing the tiny fluttering heart beat. I just wanted to protect you, but I needed to protect you from myself. I miss you every day. All my love until we see each other again, mummy xxxxxxxxxxx

Editor's Comment

It is heartbreaking that you faced such a dilemma; the crisis of the prison sentence, as well as contemplating raising your baby alone. I can understand why you felt overwhelmed at the thought of coping alone.
Now you are carrying an unbearable secret and I worry that this is going to be an impossible burden for you to carry. I wonder if at some point you may need to face telling your partner? It probably seems unthinkable now, but equally the strain of this secret could spoil your relationship as well. Please contact CareConfidential if you need some help or support, or just someone to offload to.for post abortion support. or 0300 4000 999.
This story was sent in on 21/06/2014 and it's been viewed 532 times.

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