I never thought I would be one of those girls that had abortions.

I never thought I would be one of those girls that had abortions. I was on the pill since I was 16 and used condoms, only once caught but otherwise I was careful. I started dating a guy and around then I missed too many pills (I was using drugs and my mind was somewhere else at the time- stupid I know). Nearly everytime we had sex we used a condom but it broke. I'd even ask him to pull out before ejaculating but he never would. We eventually broke it off I found out he was only 16, a runaway and had a warrant for his arrest for several muggings, and I was 20. After 2 negative pregnancy tests I found out I was pregnant in my doctor's bathroom, convinced I wasn't getting my period because I never do once I get off the pill. It turned up positive. I cried and he wouldn't tell me where or what to do. I met with my psycologist at my methadone clinic and he managed to refer me to a social worker that he knows to speed things up. Other than that i had to show up at this hospital twice in the morning just to get my abortion booked, since they only allowed 8 patients from 8 am til 10 am. I also needed a certificate from a different gynaecologist proving I was pregnant, from a social worker to whom I told her I was addicted to both opiates, benzos and occasionally drank during the pregnancy-before I knew, to prove I was still willing. Once I brought everything they finally gave me my ultrasound and I was a little over 7 weeks pregnant. I tried to look at the screen but they just turned it away like I had no right because I didn't want it. They suggested I go for a local anaesthesia because the waiting list was shorter and here in Italy one cannot legally terminate after 3 months and I was already close to 2 months. I waited two weeks for the date, hating the thing inside of me, hating the guy that tried to get me pregnant so we would be together forever.

Not once did I want to be a mother

Nor did I feel maternal towards it, perhaps if it had been a long term boyfriend yes, but not a fling with minor who lied about his age and mugged people. Before the abortion I had uterine pain and was bleeding, my father rushed me to the same hospital in case I was miscarrying. Unfortunately the female doctor there treated me badly when she asked where my ultrasound was and I told her the "termination unit" had it. She poked and prodded me and once again turned the screen away. Eventually they said I had a healthy 8 week old foetus and no complications. When the day came they made me insert 2 pills to dilate my cervix then put me on a stretcher and carried me to a little room right outside the operation room. I wasn't the only one, they stacked us up like cows. They gave me my anaesthetic, a long needle in my vagina which was painful. Then I started to cramp so badly that I was soaked with sweat. Once it was my turn they told me to move to the bed now otherwise I could forget ever having an abortion. With all my might I slid across to the bed and into the stirrups. What came next I'll never forget. I felt them rip it out of me, so much for the local anaesthesia being as "pain free as the dentist". I screamed and cried and screamed for painkillers. They gave me something but it still didn't work. They kept shouting at me to stay still but I couldn't the pain was so horrendous, I kept jerking as a reflex.

The doctor said if I didn't stay still that my abortion might not be successful.

The last try I lay there gripping the nurses hand and screaming, while they ripped the spawn out of me. After cleaning me up and had me slide back on the stretcher, blood pouring out of me and once I had the strength I got up and used a sanitary pad and changed into my pyjamas. A nice nurse came in with tea and biscuits, telling my roomate and I the dos and don'ts of the post-op. In 15 days I was to have a check-up, no sexual intercourse otherwise I risked infection, basic stuff.

I've never regretted my choice

I feel that if I kept it I would be in a shelter, kid taken away and no way to support myself. Above all, it would have been born addicted to 2 hard drugs and maybe even had brain damage from the alcohol. I did this for me and "celeste". I did write a letter of remorse at one point, but other than that I'm glad to have a second chance at life. I went to rehab , which I wouldn't have been able to had I chosen to remain pregnant. The way they treated me in the surgical room was disgusting, but it doesn't mean that it will happen to whoever reads this. I just live in a catholic country with OB/GYNs that many are against abortions and even if they still perform them, do their best to make you pay for your choice. I urge every sexually active girl to go on the pill or other long term contraception, prevention is better than cure. If you do happen to get pregnant and choose to abort you are not a bad person. Just a desperate person in a difficult position that no one, pro life or pro choice can ever fathom until they find themselves in the same position. My life was on the line and I was not ready to support a baby, a baby born on drugs and I would have given "celeste" a terrible life. It's been a year and I choose my partners carefully and always use both forms of protection. My pregnancy was a wake up call for me to go to rehab because it was my rock bottom. I wish I never went through it but in a way I had to to stop using otherwise I'd be in a bad way. Thank you for reading

Editor's Comment

Thank you for your very honest account. An abortion in Italy certainly sounds a very painful experience. In UK, even with local anaesthetic, there is sedation which helps with pain relief. It sounds as though you are turning your life around, but please use Online advisor if you need support.
This story was sent in on 23/07/2014 and it's been viewed 329 times.

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