A second unintended pregnancy

By anonymous on 05/09/2014
Last year I was 19 turning 20 my boyfriend and I had been together for 4 months when we discovered that I was pregnant sometime in June. We immediately thought not to have the baby as realistically we where babies ourselves, and the thought of having a baby was horrific to us.
Without hesitation we began preparations for a termination. It took a while but it eventually came down to the D day. Unfortunately he wasn't able to go with me so I was at it alone, I went in nervous as ever but I was sure of my decision there where other ladies there more nervous than me.

I went in at 9 week pregnant so the nurse booked me for a surgical abortion rather than a medical one and she told me there was no changing now so I went through with it hoping it wouldn't be too bad, but I was wrong it was the worst experience of my life.

It still haunts me today but the abortion itself was something I never regretted it's what I wanted then and it worked out.
It's been now almost 2 years that me and my boyfriend have been together happily so with our ups and downs every now and then. I should mention that we lived together for about a year then he got a transfer from work so he moved out around April forcing us into a long distance relationship but we've managed to make it work. We visit each other often whenever we can and we love each other even more now.

The month of August has been very awful I've been sick since mid July by August it really hit me hard I took a pregnancy test in July as I could recognize the symptoms but it came out negative what a relief! The symptoms got worse so I went to the doctor and he too did a pregnancy test and it was Negative, 'thank God' I thought.
The doctor told me to give it a week and it will pass but it didn't, the symptoms continued but I just ignored them. It got to a point where they where just overwhelming I don't know why but I just thought to buy a pregnancy test again. On the 8th August it was by boyfriend's birthday and he had come over to visit but I was using contraception ever since my last visit to the doctor so I guess I just bought the test to rule out the possibility of pregnancy. I got home Saturday afternoon and took the test calmly so then to the shock of my life two pink lines appeared, I almost dropped to the floor I couldn't believe it.
I spent the whole day in shock then that Sunday morning I woke up and bought a clearblue test then not only did it confirm that I was pregnant but that I was 3 week + I just couldn't believe my eyes. I felt like I was dreaming or like karma or some form of supernatural being was playing a mean trick on me.

I went to the doctor in a hurry to get confirmation taking the day off school to do this. When I went into his office I pulled out the pregnancy test and showed him but he was more impressed by the fact that it was a digital test more than anything. As he was writing down my symptoms he saw that I was there last month and we had tested negative for pregnancy now he was shocked we did a scan there it was a heartbeat I couldn't believe it, it was so small barely visible but it was still there.
I finally got around to telling my boyfriend about it even though we where fighting at the time but he was shocked too, we haven't really decided what we are going to do. I'm not ready for a child I'm barely 21 yet I'm not done with school there is still so much I want to do.
The biggest fright I have is that of our families how will they react especially my dad, he still sees me as his little prefect girl he doesn't even know that I'm dating, he's been questioning it and my mom and I have been hiding it from him. He will be so disappointed, he's done so much for me and he's essentially my best friend.

I'm conflicted I wouldn't mind having the baby but it's come at a very bad time in fact I want a baby I really really want a baby but I wanted him/her next year around this time. I would have given birth before graduation but now I still have another year to go including 6 month work practical.
I am now 9 weeks pregnant and I don't know what to do I find myself wishing for horrible things like a miscarriage as it would take away the shame of having another abortion, and I can't imagine going through the same pain as before I just don't know what to do.
I watched October baby last night and it set in the guilt even more but when I look at the picture of the scan I'm filled with fear, shame and pain. 16 year olds are having their babies why can't I? why can't I live up to my responsibilities? why can't I just accept my mistake and move forward, what kind of a person am I that's able to say that I've had an abortion and I'm contemplation having another one? what will my ancestors say will they punish me for this, will I be able to have children when I actually want to... these are questions that are giving me sleepless nights.

Editor's Comment

You are obviously agonising over the pregnancy and what you should do about it. It is not always possible to plan out your life the way that you dreamt it would be, and although ideally you would have waited another year, you have to face the fact that the pregnancy has happened sooner.
What you need to decide is how you would feel if you choose abortion. It may be easier in terms of your family, but hard for you to face physically and emotionally.
It may help you to talk to someone independent and that is available through the national helpline or Online counselling service. for unplanned pregnancy support.

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