I am 28 years old I had a abortion in September 2007.
I am 28 years old I had a abortion in September 2007. I found out I was pregnant about 6 weeks before that, when I realised that I was late. I found out while I was at work. I felt shocked and a bit happy. That day I went home and told my long term partner of 5 years. He tried to act happy but I could tell he wasn't and, after about an hour, he made that clear by saying things like he wasn't ready and he would kill himself. At this point, I was still in shock and I didn't think I wanted it but, after a few days, the morning sickness kicked in and it started to feel real and I decided that I wanted it.
At this point, the arguments started and life was hell. I was getting no support whatsoever from my partner. I went to an abortion clinic and almost went through with it but couldn't. When we got home it seemed like I gave up as I couldn't put up with the arguments any more. I convinced myself that this was what was best and, two weeks later, I went through with the abortion. For about a few days I was feeling ok about my decision (apart from feeling sick). I had already booked a week off work and I used that time to recover physically.
I went back to work and by 10:30 that morning I was crying. Work asked what was wrong. At this point the lying started. I told them, I lost a baby. I was signed off work for a week. During that week the feelings really started and haven't gone away since. I feel sad and depressed. I hate myself for killing my baby and being weak, and I hate him for, as I feel it, making me go through with it. I feel like I have nothing in my life now, and I wish I could turn back time but I can't. I want my baby back. I know I made the wrong decision but there is nothing I can do about it now.
I did see a counsellor in that week I was off work but I couldn't get any other appointments that fitted around work. I feel like instead of getting better I am getting worse and I spend most nights crying where I didn't before. I told my Mum and Dad that I lost a baby because of their views on the subject. And only my best friends know what happened. They aren't really helping because they seem to think that I made the right decision when I know I didn't. I have been back to the doctor’s because I can't go on like this and I am now on a waiting list see a counsellor again and have been put on anti-depressant pills.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…You were clearly ambivalent about your pregnancy, wanting to keep the baby but also wanting to avoid problems in your relationship and circumstances. The lack of support you felt led to you making that decision. The feelings finally caught up with you, didn’t they? I don’t know if you are seeing a counsellor from your surgery or one of our centres, but you might find it more helpful to have support from someone who is experienced and understands these issues thoroughly. You can contact your nearest centre through this website, through the helpline or you can use Online Advisor.