I had an abortion a week ago today. This website has helped me so much, and made me feel happier with my decision. Just to know that I am not alone.
I found out in the middle of December that I was pregnant; I took the test in college toilets because I was two weeks late on my period. Even though I was doing a test I don’t suppose I really thought I was pregnant. I did the test and waited... it was the longest two minutes of my life. I had bought one of those new tests that spell out the result and there it was PREGNANT. I immediately burst in to tears.
I then made an appointment with the doctor’s for the following day and told my boyfriend. The doctors confirmed my pregnancy and gave me contact numbers for counselling and abortion clinics. My boyfriend and I talked about it constantly and were so confused. We have a very strong relationship and have been together for two years so I got fantastic support. We decided to visit our friends who had just had a baby but went through the same feelings as us. After watching how happy their little family was and holding this gorgeous baby I decided, yes, I do want a baby.
As the days went by it was always in my mind and was so hard not being able to talk to anybody. I wanted my mum so badly but felt I could not tell her as it was so close to Christmas and didn’t want the family upset. I lay in bed one night. Then everything just made sense. It wasn’t what I wanted. I mean, yes of course, I want a baby, but not now, not yet. I have six months left of college, I want a full time job and wage when I leave, and get money behind me. I am only 18. There is a lot of things in life I want to experience now whilst I am young and that are just not possible to do with a child!
Christmas was hard, with all my family and this massive secret! Also, I was being sick when ever I ate, not drinking or smoking, because this also made me ill. How I didn’t get caught I will never know! It made it worse when my mum would try and advise me on taking the pill again!! I so wish I could have been honest with her! So I had the scan on January 2nd and I was seven weeks and three days.
I was trying to take this in and was offered the procedure for two days later. I agreed straight away and had the first tablet then and there. I had still not really cried or spoken to anybody. Yes, my boyfriend was there and he was great but I didn’t realise I needed more support. The night before the procedure, I was sick all night. Then before getting in the car, I was sick. On arrival at the hospital, I was sick. By this point there was nothing left to be sick, so it was more just painful griping.
We were in the waiting room with two other couples. Nobody said a word then my name was called. My boyfriend and I were taken to this horrible little room with a chair and a TV, plus en suite toilet equipped with cardboard dishes and everything else needed.
It was a horrible day, and for some reason I blocked everyone around me and didn’t want my boyfriend to cuddle me or comfort me. After it was done I couldn’t talk to anybody, didn’t want to.
I went back to college for a couple of days and thought I was fine but then two nights ago I got very very drunk and took twenty painkillers. I don’t think this was an act to kill myself, more to punish myself. I was so angry and hysterical. I cried for my baby back, telling myself it was a mistake, after researching abortion on the internet. There are some very sick things on there!! And the reason for feeling how I did, wasn’t actually because I wanted my baby back, because I made the decision to have an abortion after lots of thinking and it was 100% the right thing for me to do. It was because I didn’t have support. I didn’t have people around me that I could talk to and explain how I was feeling. So my advice to people thinking of abortion or going through it or even after the procedure is talk! Talk to anybody you can. I would give anything to have told my mum and dad!
I saw a counsellor yesterday and that helped me a great deal. I am going to continue with this as so should you! And don’t ever punish yourself or put yourself through unnecessary pain like I did by looking for those things on the internet because you don’t need it. The decision you made will be the right one!! And though it seems hard you are stronger than you think! Don’t let anybody make you think you are wrong!! even though seeing pregnant women and hearing the sound of a baby’s cry can get me upset, and the mixed up hormones probably don’t help, I can now smile! I know that in the future my boyfriend and I are going to have this amazing family and we will be able to provide our children with everything they need financially and emotionally, its just not the right time yet!! You will know when it is!!
Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in with your story…It’s such a short time since your abortion experience and you have been on a roller coaster of emotion, haven’t you? It sounds like it’s very important for you to be settled and know what you think about the decision you made once and for all, so that you can be at peace and get on with the rest of your life, but it seems you have been quite disturbed by your experience and would benefit greatly from time with a counsellor to talk it through. You haven’t said whether there is still this secret between you and your parents, and maybe it would help to talk about what this secret means for your relationship with your parents too. It’s early days for you...keep going with the counselling and give yourself time to process it all well. We’ll be thinking of you.