A surgical abortion at 14 weeks.
Mum of a one year old already both with the same dad.
We met in college.. Together for two years when I missed my pill and fell pregnant with my first child. The shock was hard and my other half didn't react kindly to be honest now I felt frightened I was 19 and he was 26. After feeling I had no support to have an abortion I decided to keep the baby, over the nine months his anger got worse, it was like a love/hate, he's never hit me, but he was emotionally abusive. We had our son and for the first few week things were fine he then began shouting at me when our son would wake at night, I felt panicked and alone.. He would just shout at me in general over the two years he got worse and worse..
I decided to carry on my studies and was in art uni, now on the implant and juggling my one year old and work I managed to fall pregnant again.. Our sex life had reduced and when I told him he kicked off saying the baby wasn't his, he started shouting and screaming at me. He went to the door to leave and I told him I was leaving him and tried to shut the door.. He then kicked my door in and threw me to the floor, with his hands around my neck. After begging him to leave, and my son upstairs, now awake and distressed, he did. I got up and locked the door and laid back down on my kitchen floor. He then opened the window of my kitchen and threw a plate at me lying on the ground.. The neighbours rung the police and I had to go to hospital alone with my one year old.
I was allowed to leave at six, and the following day I got up, took my son to nursery, then walked to my doctor's and asked to book me an abortion.
I felt all the time I had this poor baby inside me I couldn't protect myself or them from harm, how could I bring another baby into this, with no family, car or help, life was hard enough.. I felt his horrible hold over me as my growing bump emerged, at the scan I was ten weeks..
I didn't want an abortion. I would have loved my baby, everyone has a right to be born, I did? But yet I found myself silently signing the forms and it was booked for one week from that day.. I wasn't meant to have contact with the dad but I texted him as it was his child, and said I was having an abortion. He called me a baby killer and sent long abusive texts..
I contacted my mum and said I was having a tooth out under anaesthetic, she came and looked after my son, the first time she has looked after him since birth. I got the train alone to the Winston's clinic, I sat alone in the waiting room, a big room with purple chairs, boyfriends hugging there girlfriends, friends sitting with friends, mums and daughters, then just me alone..
I had a scan that warm familiar love washed over me, I had to remain numb from what I was doing, I said goodbye to my baby.. You try to block out what they might feel.. You can't but you try, I then waited in the waiting room alone again to be called. Petrified isn't the word although living an adult life I was still a baby who needed someone, right then anyone would've done.. They called my name.. I felt faint, sick, scared..
I went into a small room with three girls about my age, they were dressed in night gowns and white socks, she handed me the gown and I got changed behind a curtain. You're given a suitcase that you put your things into.. Even though the other two girls were there first, my name was called first.. I walked next door and was met by four people in surgery clothes..
My c-section came to mind, same big light and people in gowns apart from the fact they were smiling and I took home a beautiful boy. These people weren't smiling, they asked me to lie down, Bruno Mars 'when I was your man' was playing on the radio, the song hit me with every sentimental word. I started to panic when the canulla was fitted I asked to be put to sleep quickly as I was panicking.. They pushed me into the next room the theatre room, you have a very small amount of time maybe a minute to take in your surroundings, I glanced and saw big clamps and trays then darkness..
For the first time in weeks I was at peace.. I woke facing a window, I saw sky and trees things my now dead baby wouldn't see, I felt calm and peace.. I felt numb, to my left there were four girls weeping and then me sitting there with no emotion, I was sat on a chair and given a drink and asked to use the toilet to check for clots, there was nothing.. The pain was intense.. Tbh I felt degraded and dirty, it was too easy for me to do.. After an hour I left with my scan picture and a heavy heart, and I got the bus home.
My mum asked how I could talk so well after the dentist, I shrugged and she said no more. I noticed a leaflet from the doctor's on the table I had picked up for abortion, she'd seen it yet nothing was said. My baby looked at me with loving eyes I had just killed his brother or sister..how could I live with myself.
It went to court the next week, I didn't attend, my ex said if I did he would make up lies and try and get my child taken off me, I dropped the case and he continued to be abusive and nasty up until now really..I hope one day I find the strength, sorry for the essay...
Editor's CommentThis has been very hard for you to cope with when you had so little support, and at 19 it is hard to be strong in an abusive relationship with an older boyfriend. I am sorry that you were not able to tell your mum what was going on, and sad that she did not pick up on the leaflet as she must have suspected something. I wonder if you have anyone you can talk to about your experience, as I feel you will need to be strong if your ex boyfriend is still contacting you. You may also benefit from speaking to someone independent about your abortion experience, so that you can work through the emotions that are coming up. Please contact the helpline or Online advisor for support for post abortion support. or 0300 4000 999.
This story was sent in on 15/10/2014