This is still very fresh as I had the abortion just this morning.

This is still very fresh as I had the abortion just this morning. I was 6 weeks and 5 days along. I really felt as if I had no other choice, I got myself into a very complicated situation. I am married and I had an affair with a married man, and I got pregnant with his baby. I have two children with my husband and although we are on the verge of separation (for reasons not due to the affair), I couldn't see adding another child into the picture, one who would likely grow up without a father as the man I was seeing left me hanging soon after realizing I was pregnant. I am going to have a difficult time being a single mom to two children, without adding a third.

I made the mistake of asking to see my baby on the sonogram, and it was very tiny, but I felt the emotional pull immediately. I nearly changed my mind, and when I went back for the surgical procedure, I sobbed throughout the whole thing. Right as they were getting ready to start I began crying and the nurse asked me if I wanted the doctor to stop. I hesitated for a minute and told her no, that I had to go through with it. It was the worst few minutes of my life. I will never forget the sound of that vacuum machine. The physical pain was nothing compared to the horrible emotions. I just hope that my baby felt no pain.

It was an unplanned pregnancy, but not unwanted. I just didn't feel like I could provide my baby with the life he or she deserved to have. I hope God and my baby can forgive me, and that someday I can forgive myself. It's only been a few hours and I want to believe I made the right decision for my situation but it hurts so badly and part of me wishes I could rewind and take it back.

Editor’s note: Thank you for being so honest about your feelings and sharing your story with us…It must have been a very difficult experience for you, especially to feel so torn between the pregnancy and your circumstances; your head telling you that this is what’s needed to avoid making the circumstances worse, but your heart telling you that you want this baby. The good thing is that you are acknowledging your pain. Denying it, or suppressing it, may mean greater emotional difficulties later on. You have a journey ahead of you through due dates and anniversary dates that may not be easy, but there is support for you to help you work through your experience and the loss you feel. When you are ready, contact your nearest centre, ring the helpline or use Online Advisor for personal online support. We’ll be thinking of you.

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