The thought of keeping the baby was not an option for him.

I was 18 years old and studying A levels at 6th form. I found out I was pregnant after noticing my period was late so I took a pregnancy test (3 actually) and I then had to face telling my boyfriend who I had been with for just under a year. This was so hard as he was not at all ready for children and even the thought of keeping the baby was not an option for him. I've always wanted to be a mum and although some people say 18 is too young to have a child I believe differently and my life goal is to have a big family so facing the thought of having to go through a termination was traumatic to say the least. As the reality of my pregnancy started to sink in I began to have morning sickness quite badly and had to keep this a secret from my parents as they are not supportive. My boyfriend and I did not have a single conversation about the huge decision facing me and what my opinion was, for him the only option was abortion. Looking back this upsets me greatly as I do not feel I even had a say about whether the termination was right for me. I booked my appointment at my local bpas clinic and went for the routine tests. When it came to the internal scan I expected that I would be about 3-4 weeks as I had taken a clear blue test which shows how far along you are. The nurse proceeded to tell me that I was 8 weeks and that my baby had a heartbeat. This shocked me greatly as my only consolation was that it didn't have a heartbeat. I felt I couldn't back out now as I had come this far so I proceeded to make an appointment for the treatment the following week. When I returned and had the tablets inserted I went home and sobbed for hours, then the pain began to increase and I felt myself getting close to passing out so I laid in the floor with my legs on the sofa and as I did that I felt something pop and gush out followed by lumps of what felt like jelly coming out, I raced to the toilet and as I sat down that's when my baby came out as well as the placenta etc. I then couldn't do anything else but flush the toilet, that still haunts me as I just flushed my baby away. I try to talk to people about how I am feeling but none of them understand the emotional trauma you go through as they all just say 'accidents happen, you just need to move on'. How do you move on? When I manage to sleep I have nightmares about having children and then being taken away or not being able to have children at all. I am afraid this will haunt me for the rest of my life which is why I am sharing my story, I am hoping that it might give someone the courage to stand up for what they want and not just go along with what is expected of them as it is your life, your body and your baby. 10 months after my abortion I am just starting to seek professional help as I cannot think about anything else or wondering what could have been.

Editor's Comment

I am sorry that you felt so powerless, and felt that you had no voice to say what you were feeling about your pregnancy. I think many women feel very vulnerable and emotional during the early stages of pregnancy, when hormone levels are changing rapidly. These changes can make it more difficult to express your thoughts and feelings.
It is good that you are now trying to get help to process these painful emotions, and I hope this helps you. If you need more support it is available, for post abortion support. or call the abortion support helpline on 0300 4000 999.
This story was sent in on 15/11/2014 and it's been viewed 222 times.

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