Abortion was the beginning of a downward spiral

I became involved with an older man when I was 17 who gave me the love and attention that I was craving. At 19, I found myself in a pregnancy crisis. I was stunned, numbed to the core but I still followed the directions given by my doctor and mother to have an abortion. Not knowing that I had a choice to keep the baby, I took the decision to have an abortion. I had followed what my head was saying and not my heart. I needed to hide from the decision I had made, so that I could cope with the pain, so I started to build a protective wall around my heart. This was to be the beginning of a downward spiral in my life. I don’t want to sound dramatic but I died that day, spiritually. I couldn’t cope with the disappointment, the pain and agony of the abortion. I left home and I married the man as a penance for what I had done. Much of the time I was in a deep depression, lonely and suicidal, full of guilt and shame. I was desperate to have another child which consumed my life for many years. I became uncomfortable around children and was extremely jealous when friends told me they were pregnant. I shied away whenever people spoke about abortion. I isolated myself from friends and family and struggled to enjoy close relationships. I carried the burden for years and told no-one. I found sexual intercourse painful and detested sexual intimacy. All this had an impact on my marriage which became abusive and it broke down. I carried this pain around for so many years that the stress affected my health - it destroyed me mentally and physically.

This story was sent in on 28/02/2006

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