A medical abortion at 18 weeks.
When I found I was pregnant it wasn't the best news at the time but deep down I was happy, my partner of 7 years however wasn't. He already has 2 children from a previous relationship and we also have a 5 year old daughter, although we love each other our relationship is strained, finances are tight and we would also have to move.
My partner is also recently out of work, although sorry and saddened about wanting me to have an abortion he was adamant he didn't want another child. I hoped so much he would change his mind as I loved this baby from the beginning and couldn't bare the thought of having an abortion - something I had always been against.
I knew that if we had the baby we would probably end up separating and knew this would be extremely hard on our daughter and him and also would be very hard for me.
I fought so much to keep this baby until eventually I was so emotionally exhausted and broken I gave up, the nurse at the clinic told me I was too far gone for a medical abortion as I was now 12 weeks so she booked me in for a surgical. When I turned up at the hospital the doctor refused to do it because I was so upset, she did however tell me that I could have a medical and that they perform medical abortions up to 19 weeks! I then booked in a week later for a medical, still heartbroken at the fact I was having an abortion.
I used to talk to my unborn baby and tell him how much I loved him and wanted him but it was better all round this way, when I turned up at the hospital and took the first tablet I was numb, the specialist nurse even told me I could change my mind after the first pill as it would not affect the baby, when she told me this I was relieved as I felt I had made a huge mistake, and was devastated. After taking the first pill I changed my mind and looked forward to having the baby, my partner tried to be supportive but I could see he didn't want this and we started to argue constantly until we ended up almost separating.
Our daughter also began to notice things weren't right and I got to the point were I didn't have the strength or energy to fight any more. I felt totally alone and guilty that I was splitting my family apart for a child that wasn't born yet, when maybe we would have a chance to build on the family we already had so I booked in again for a medical.
I had cried every day for 3 months and was drained. I went back to the hospital totally switched off and took the tablet again, I was now 18 weeks pregnant, 2 days later I went in to have the rest of the tablets, then the nightmare began. I said goodbye and sorry to my beautiful innocent baby and lay on the bed as the nurse inserted the tablets and cried.
I started to bleed, a few hours later I took more tablets orally and was in horrendous pain, then my waters broke at about 3.30. Suddenly the pain stopped completely and that was it - nothing! I had 2 lots of tablets after but still nothing, every thing just stopped apart from the bleeding.
At 11pm the nurse told to me that the doctor would be coming to see me in the morning to see what to do next as the tablets had stopped working, the next morning at 7.30 I started to feel something there like I needed to push, I quickly called the nurse and she told me the doctor was on her way to examine me, when the doctor came in she examined me and told that the baby was there and I needed to push. By this time I was inconsolable and scared to death, I had killed my baby and wanted so much to turn back time, the doctor ended up using forceps to pull him out which was just awful, I literally gave birth to my child that I had killed and just wanted him back, they then took him away and my heart literally broke, I felt so empty.
I asked the nurse for a priest as I wanted my baby blessed, after he was blessed this made me feel a little better at the time. Now I live with the constant torment and heartache of what we have done. My partner also finds it difficult to live with his decision. Everyday I miss my baby so much my heart aches, I envision him everyday and pray that one day I will be with him again, all I have left of him are 3 scan photos which I find very difficult to look at but will keep forever.
If you are unsure about having an abortion, don't do it! You CANNOT take it back and you do have to live with your decision after. I often feel I didn't fight enough for my baby and that I could have coped alone if I had just had the strength. I know that my life will never be the same again, this will never leave me, I just have to live it and try and be the best mum I can for my daughter.
Editor's CommentA very sad story that makes painful reading. Your heartache is very tangible, and to give birth at 18 weeks when you had become so attached to the baby you were carrying must have been so distressing. Very sad too that your partner is struggling with his decision when he was the one driving the choice for abortion.
I would strongly advise you to look for some post abortion counselling to try and resolve the grief you are feeling. Follow the link for post abortion support. or call 0300 4000 999.
This story was sent in on 11/01/2015