When I saw those two lines that confirmed my fear I went numb.

I was 17 a senior in high school when I got pregnant.
I had been dating the guy for 4 months and he was my best friend.
When I saw those two lines that confirmed my fear I went numb and stayed that way until I terminated my pregnancy.
My parents didn't know I was dating the guy due to his race and this would be one horrific way to break the news, I was 17 and had a bright future ahead of me, my parents would NEVER come to terms with it...so without a doubt I hid my pregnancy from my parents, including the terrible morning sickness, the nausea, and the pain I was in.
On top of that I was starting see my boyfriend as a child himself as he had no idea what it would take to raise a child!

So my decision was made. I had some money saved but not enough so I was literally picking up extra hours to get money to kill my baby :( The hardest thing I've ever done.
On top of all that due to the abortion laws in my state I couldn't get an abortion without a parent knowing first...and that was not an option. So the next trusted person in my life at that time besides my boyfriend (whom I didn't want to drive me 6 hours to the next state to abort our baby and then drive back together) was my ex. Sounds weird but he would protect me until the end of time..
So after the procedure I was left with these feelings of relief, yet it felt so quickly taken away...but that's kind of the point. There will permanently be a hole in my heart and it remains an underlying issue with me and my boyfriend (mostly because my ex took me and because it's really hard for me to be sympathetic towards him when he has no idea the magnitude of physical and emotionally pain it is to have an abortion). Yes, we are still together and I hope to marry this man but it definitely put a strain on us that still low-key remains...If you are considering abortion know it takes a lot of strength before, during and after. I also had a sense of "I can't grieve over this..it's inappropriate and besides it was my choice"

Editor's Comment

You were very young to carry the responsibility of this decision by yourself, particularly as it was so hard to organise. I wonder who you have been able to talk to as I think suppressing feelings can be very damaging. Although you don't feel that you have the right to grieve, it is important to allow yourself to express your emotional pain in order to draw a line under it. However hard it is for you I would look for some post abortion support where you live.

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