If I'd known abortion would affect me like this, it wouldn't have been an option

By anonymous on 17/01/2015
abortion in canada medical abortion

I was 18, I had been with my boyfriend officially for 6 months when I found out I was pregnant. We had been really close friends for a year before that. I remember the day I conceived, it had been two months since I stopped my birth control and I told my boyfriend to be sure to "pull out" as we were having unprotected sex. He forgot to pull out and at that moment I knew I would get pregnant.

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Usually in the past, if that were to happen I would go and get Plan B[1] right away, to ensure I would not get pregnant. I didn't this time, I knew I loved this man and I wanted to be with him for a long time and he is the type of person I wanted to have a family with.

The next 4 weeks went by and on the second day of my missed period, I went and had a test completed at the doctor's office. It was positive and I was relatively calm, the only real worry for myself was my father's parents would think I was becoming "just like my mom" (as my mom had me at a young age and my father's parents did not like my mom).

The nurse asked me what I wanted to do and she gave me my three options keep the baby, abort, or go forward with adoption. I left the appointment and called my best friend. I didn't tell my boyfriend because he had an important interview the next day and he was writing the RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) test two days after that. I thought it was important he had no stress or extra worries. In my mind, it made sense, if he did well he could potentially have a great job and be able to support our family.

As the day went on I met with my best friend and she listened to me and comforted me as I was really scared and confused because I didn't know what my boyfriend would say. 

It became too overwhelming, after my boyfriend's interview I called him and asked him to come over to talk. I remember he walked into my room and just looked at me. It was the scariest thing I had ever had to tell him.

When I told him instantly he panicked (which makes sense with an unplanned pregnancy). He could only think about what his family would say and that he wasn't ready for a baby. He left soon after and for the next two weeks when we spent time together all we would do is argue, all he had to say is "I support whatever you want to do, it's your body". I told him I honestly wanted to know how he felt. I also asked him to tell no one as I didn't want anyone to know until I made a decision. 

My boyfriend ended up telling 4-5 "friends" (which he wasn't really close with and I didn't really know). This caused us to fight and he would get mad at me any time I tried to talk about the pregnancy and what "we wanted to do". He then told me "I support whatever you decided but I'm just not ready for a baby".

Within this time I had told my mom and she was 100% supportive. I think I really wanted this baby, I started planning, looking at apartments because I would not be welcome at my dad's anymore. I knew my family would be disappointed but I didn't care. It was my life and my baby!

I had asked my boyfriend not to tell his parents or any of his friends until I knew what the decision would be for sure. But he did, that was really hard for me. Once his parents found out, what they said to him tore me apart. I knew his parents would be upset but I thought because they were "good people" "churchgoers" and seemed like they would be very disappointed but supportive.

They told my boyfriend in these exact words "I don't think any baby is a mistake but this is a mistake and you can't have a baby". Right then when I heard that I feared that my baby would have the same life I did, with separate families that hated each other. I started second-guessing and made an appointment at the abortion clinic. I asked my boyfriend to take a sick day but he refused because he was already taking a lot of time off work and they wouldn't let him.

My best friend came with me (boy am I thankful for her). I went and cried when talking to the counsellor, then the doctor came in the room and gave me a prescription for a medical abortion. She told me if it was too hard to take the pills the next week I could make an appointment for a surgical appointment. I was 8 weeks at this time.

That night I went home and I begged my boyfriend to come and talk to me and help me make the decision. He refused "because his mom wouldn't let him use the car", even though he didn't even ask ... he wouldn't. I cried and cried and begged him to come. I started to feel really down and sat at the river (as I lived close) and told him I was determining suicide, it was the easiest answer because I could be with my baby.

Then he told his mom and he made me talk to her, of course, I told her "I'm fine" and acted fake so she would leave me alone. She told my boyfriend he could come to pick me up from the water and bring me home. I was angry, when he picked me up he told me I'm not staying long when I drop you off, I have to work in the morning. I was angry and just went home to bed.

The next morning I was talking to my mom and just kept telling myself I had to take the pills and I would never talk to my boyfriend again and it was the "right/proper" thing to do. So at 8:00am, I took the pills that kill the baby and there was no going back.

I sent a text message to my boyfriend and told him I never wanted to talk to him again and he didn't have to worry anymore because I was going to take the pills. At 10:30 am I received a text from him saying "Don't take the pills, I'm going to come over after work and we can talk"... It felt like I died inside...... after all this time of me begging him to talk he decides he wants to talk after I already took the pills.

I wrote him a very nasty message and asked him never to talk to me again. I then inserted the pills that would cause the baby to exit my body. After about 2 hours, I started to get unbearable contractions, I couldn't move I called my mom crying and she came to get me from my dad's and I went to the hospital.

I tried calling my boyfriend before going to the hospital and he didn't answer. I sat at the hospital for 6-9 hours and during that time I passed the baby. The first blood clot I passed was the scariest thing, I almost fainted. I was so scared to look in the toilet as I feared I would see the baby.

I finally see a doctor and I am prescribed a pain relief drug and I go back to my mom's house and take a pill and fall asleep.

In the morning it was terrible. I remember just crying in my mom's arms saying I regret having the abortion. It was really hard for me. I took two days off work so I could recover. I remember finding out that my boyfriend the night I was in the hospital was partying. That killed me. I was in a ton of pain and he was out having fun.

My mom was my rock during this time, without her I think I would have honestly ended up in the hospital because all I wanted to do was die.

I ended up talking to my boyfriend and after a month I decided I wanted to be with him. It has been a year and a half since the abortion and it's been a difficult time, I withdrew from school a year ago and moved into my grandparent's house. At this time I fell into a very deep depression, I quit my job and gained 30lbs. That is when I decided to pursue counselling.

It's been a year of counselling and I have come a very long way but I have times where I feel the way I did right after the abortion. It's like a bubble of grief. I constantly think about my baby and I am comforted by thinking I'm pregnant. When I go to bed I hold my stomach and think maybe I could be pregnant.

I am having a difficult time losing any of the weight I have gained because I hold on to it, my stomach looks like I could maybe be pregnant and I am comforted by it. I constantly look at pictures on Instagram of pregnant women or the age my baby would be. My only motivation for life is wanting to have a baby. I feel like it consumes my life.

My boyfriend and I talk about the baby sometimes and have had deep conversations. He feels sad about it but I still feel like he isn't as sad or affected by the abortion as I am. We talk about having a family and I really push getting married and having a family on him. It makes me really upset because I know I can't have a baby with him now and I have to wait.

I feel stupid because I am a smart person and I know what I have to do and what I should do but all I think about is being a mother and having a baby...

I have also started a great job a year ago and I have been doing very well at it. I feel like I am ready to settle down but know I still have to do things before I can. I have completely changed the program I am taking and I'm trying to start off fresh and gain control of my life. I am financially stable and I'm starting to look for places to move on my own but I still can't get over the want to have a baby and become a mom and stay at home and raise my baby.

I feel like I'm a different person, I had so many dreams and ambitions. Now all I dream and wish for is to be able to have a baby. I wish I didn't feel this way but its all I think about. It's been a few months since I've felt like I wanted to die, I tried to break a razor to get the sharp piece out. I can't kill myself because it would hurt many people I love in my life but I feel like I need to just cause pain. When I think about doing it I feel a sense of calm. Like I could have control of my life again.

I feel crazy because I'm mature for my age and know right from wrong but I can't help but feel this way. I don't know what to do, sometimes I think about purposely getting pregnant but I could never ruin my boyfriend's life like that. I love him and don't want to manipulate him like that...

It all just sucks and if I had known the abortion would affect me like this it wouldn't have been an option. I know I wouldn't be where I am today but I feel like it wouldn't matter because I would have my baby back. Nothing else matters besides having my baby and being happy and enjoy the time I have with all my family.

I used to talk to my boyfriend about this kind of stuff but the last time I brought up these crazy feelings and thoughts, my boyfriend told me that he can support me and love me but he's not a professional and he can't help me with this and talk to my counsellor. I haven't opened up to him much about any of this since then.

I wish there was something I could do to fix all this. The only hope I have is that one day I will be pregnant and have my baby. You might think I'm crazy about writing this but I can't help how I feel.

Terms mentioned in this story

Links to further sources of information are on different websites and will open in a new tab/window.

  1. Plan B

    Plan B is the brand name for a levonorgestrel based emergency contraception pill available in Canada and the US. Brands of morning-after pill available in the UK are Levonelle and ellaOne.

    More generally known as the "morning-after pill" or "emergency pill" when taken within 72 hours (ideally within 12 hours) of a contraceptive accident or unprotected sex it may help prevent pregnancy. It does so by stopping the release of an egg from the ovary; preventing fertilization; preventing a fertilized egg from implanting into the lining of the uterus (womb).

    The morning-after pill is not the same as the abortion pill i.e. taking the morning-after pill does not terminate a pregnancy.


Editor's comment

I am sure you are not crazy, but this abortion has had a profound and devastating effect on you. You were so undecided about your decision and ended up having the abortion because of pressure from other people rather than knowing it was what you wanted. This has left you with a tremendous sense of loss and regret, and this is very hard to work through and overcome. It is good that you have received counselling support and hopefully, in time this will help you to move on from your experience.

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