I had a medical termination in October 2007. My ex-boyfriend and I were sorting our problems out and wanting to get back together. We met up and ended up having sex.
I met my friend the next day to go and get a pregnancy test. We went to the toilets and I took the test. It says you are supposed to wait a minute before anything happens but as soon as I did it, the blue line appeared but I put it down anyway and waited for the minute, hoping it would change so that I wasn’t pregnant, but the line just got stronger.
My friend told me everything would be ok and tried to hug me but I pulled away. I just thought about my ex and my mum and what she would say. I phoned him and told him it was positive. I could hear him swearing. He told me there wouldn’t be a problem because I was going to get rid of it which really really hurt. He never came to see me once when I was pregnant. He did threaten me with family members of his though.
I had to wait two weeks for my actual abortion to happen after going to see my GP. My ex kept sending me abusive texts which really stressed me out. I went to the hospital on the Thursday with my mum to get the first oral pill. I took it and felt fine. Two days later, I went back to start my bleeding. I inserted four pills myself and, within half an hour, I was in agony.
I had to lie on the bed with my legs up. My womb felt like it was squeezing itself together so tightly then slacking off. This lasted for half an hour non-stop but it felt like longer. After that, I went to the toilet and saw I was bleeding which upset me. About four hours later I went to the toilet and passed a huge clot of blood. It was the biggest one I had passed and noticed that in the middle was a tiny white shrimp. I stared at it for about five minutes, then flushed it away.
At half past eight at night, the doctor came in for an examination. There was also a nurse there. I had to lie on the bed while they looked up me with a light. I felt so vulnerable. He said he could see a few clots and pulled them out with a metal instrument and it hurt. After that, I took more antibiotics and I was told it was fine to go home. I went home to bed and cried.
Six days after that, I was taken into hospital because I was feeling very panicky. By the time I got there, I couldn’t walk. Doctors monitored my heart and took blood tests. My white blood cell count was up and I was treated for an infection. I had to stay in hospital that night and went home the next day with antibiotics to take orally. I have never felt the same since that day.
I have been back to the doctor’s and I am clear of all infections and doctors say I’m perfectly healthy. I have been treated with three different kinds of antidepressants and see the doctor once a month now to monitor my progress.
I still feel very upset about the experience, my baby and my ex for being so horrible to me and making me face it on my own, even though it was his problem too. He hasn’t told anyone in his family or his friends. I still suffer mild panic attacks. I had my abortion because I did not think it was the right time for me to have a baby, but the main reason was my ex. I did not want to be tied to him for the rest of my life. I knew he would try to control me because he had already started in my early pregnancy saying I couldn’t go out or see any boys while a was carrying his baby.
I have been seeing a counsellor since early November and feel it does help me at times but I am still very upset. I am nearly at the end of "The Journey" but feel I still have a lot I have to get out, but it’s just so upsetting to say.
I don’t feel it’s fair that my ex is happy and has not been affected by this and I am so upset about it. I feel like I can’t remember the old me and how I used to be. I have to carry this around for the rest of my life and he can walk away. It’s not fair.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It seems as if you have found your abortion a very difficult experience, not only because of the physical pain involved, but also because you are hurt by your boyfriend’s rejection, control and abandonment of you. It sounds as if you are angry too, feeling unjustly treated. There’s all that and loss too.
Many women go through the Journey programme but loop back again and again in the negative emotions of what we call the ‘pit’ – the place of anger, grief and guilt. It sounds like you will not have closure until you get the chance to say what you really need to say and release the hurt and pain you feel as a result of your abortion. I think it would help you to tell your advisor how you are feeling, and look again at these difficult emotions so that you can work through them thoroughly.
It’s really still early days for you, not having reached an anniversary date yet. There are often many layers to healing. In addition, anti-depressants are helpful but have a tendency to lessen your ability to engage with your emotions in a recovery programme. Be patient with yourself, tell your advisor how you feel so that she can work with you for the best possible outcome.