Hi, my name is B and I’m 24 years old. I had an abortion in September 2006. I was 14 weeks.

By anonymous on 04/02/2008
Hi, my name is B and I’m 24 years old. I had an abortion in September 2006. I was 14 weeks. I already had two kids and was with their father for seven years. We broke up and I met a new guy. I was with him a few months when I found out I was pregnant. At the time I had a lot of problems. There were only eleven months between my kids and I found it very difficult as my youngest daughter had bad behaviour problems. I had nowhere to live, no money. I had nothing. I decided there was no way out and had an abortion. When I went I didn’t know how far gone I was and when they told me I just cried. I wanted someone to stop me but they didn’t. Because I was that far gone they had to give me tablets to take and after I took them I couldn’t change my mind. I cried the whole time and for days after. There hasn’t been a day that goes by that I don’t regret it and don’t think about it and don’t ask myself why? Why couldn’t I just realise before it was too late?

Now I dream of babies all the time. I look at my own children and wonder what did my baby look like? Was it a boy or girl? And the fact that you have to call your baby an it...I watch my two beautiful girls grow everyday and there’s always that thought at the back of my mind that my other baby should be with them, because no matter who your baby’s father is or even if you know that baby is still yours, it’s a part of you and if you kill it, you kill a part of you that you can never get back. It leaves a hole in your heart and changes you from who you were and once it’s done you can never go back. It’s like you become a stranger even to yourself and your life just isn’t the same after. You may think there’s no other option but there is...that little baby will always be a part of you and, in the end, everything is alright and if it isn’t, it isn’t the end. Babies grow quickly, trust me, and being a mother is the best thing you can ever achieve. It is very hard but very worth it.

I would love nothing more than to turn back time and have my baby lie beside me at night. It’s your little pride and joy and you’ll never experience a love like it. It’s an amazing feeling. Please don’t make the mistake that a lot of us do. Don’t wait until it’s too late and live the rest of your life with regret, because it’s no life and it’s not your life because remember that baby growing inside you is a part of you and didn’t ask for any of this and really deserves better...

Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us…It sounds as if you are still experiencing emotional difficulties after your abortion, feeling regret and loss, as well as having dreams of babies. I feel there may be more healing for you and The Journey post-abortion recovery programme may be something you’d benefit from. You can find out more about it from your nearest centre, the helpline or Online Advisor. Thank you for encouraging women to think about what is going on deep in their hearts.

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