Anyway in my head I decided to keep the baby

This is the first time I'm going to try and put my feelings and emotions towards my abortion in words and it's scary! It was 2014 I had only just recently turned 14 three months ago when I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. At the time, I was in year 9 and the baby's father had just moved away to other side of Australia and we were no longer together. I was so shocked! But excited! I don't know, I liked the idea of becoming a mum and having something stable in my life. I kept it to myself for a few days before I told my closest friends. When I eventually told them, they were all thrilled! To be honest, I think the only reason why they were happy was so they could have a friend who had a child. Anyway in my head I decided to keep the baby, even through I hadn't told my ex or my parents. I knew as soon as I told them that's when things were going to get tough, so I just enjoyed being pregnant. I made up every excuse in the book to hold off from telling my ex, I should have just been honest with myself and admitted I was scared. Well my ex flew back down to Perth to visit friends and family, so when he came I told him about the baby. At this stage I was 12 weeks along. I don't know why I was so scared because he was so supportive! He even talked about us possibly getting back together! Now that I had told him, I now had to tell my parents. My parents are extremely strict on this type of stuff, to them a pregnancy not under marriage is disgusting and brings so much shame to the family. Well somehow one day I got the balls to go tell them. I told mum only first, she freaked out and told me that my dad was not to find out and that I was to have an abortion. This broke my heart. I told my mum no, and for that she kicked me out for 2 weeks. Within the two weeks that I was kicked out for I was going to regular doctor's appointments. I'll never forget it, one day when I went to the appointments doctor said that there were some complications. Till this day I still don't understand what was actually wrong. But she said it was due to smoking and drinking. Before I found out I was pregnant I was living an unhealthy lifestyle, but as soon as I found out I was to have a baby it all stopped! Over the next few appointments my doctor informed my that many issues could occur throughout my pregnancy, mostly to do with the development of the baby. She said that I was even at risk of a still birth! She advised me of what I could do if I chose to go through with the pregnancy or if I didn't. In my head I knew that I couldn't afford a child, I didn't really have anything to offer a child. But in my heart I really wanted a baby, I knew that I could offer my baby (was a boy) my unconditional love. I was now 14 weeks pregnant and I had to make a decision I knew that I couldn't afford or child or give my baby the best chance at life, and I'd be pleasing my parents if I had an abortion. But I just couldn't stand the thought of taking the life away from my precious boy. It took me 2 more weeks to come to my decision. I chose to abort. I had so much pressure coming from my mum and friends who were concerned about me, that at the time it honestly was the easy way out. I booked a consultation with a termination clinic and before I knew it I was scheduled to have my abortion the next week! Just thinking about how I was feeling when I walked into the room where the procedure was to be done it's extremely hard so I'm just doing to miss that section. It was quite a late abortion and I know some people think it's totally disgusting and unethical just having an abortion let alone a late one, but it was what seemed like the only option. My mum was happy that I went through with the abortion, but our relationship just hasn't been the same since.
My friends were extremely supportive and so was my ex. The days after the abortion were the worst. I didn't speak to anyone. But I had to go to school and face reality. So I suppressed all my emotions. That was the with thing I could possibly do. I started doing drugs, drinking, smoking, partying and having a lot of sex. I was a mess. My friends watched me fall into this dark place helplessly. They couldn't do anything. Now that I think about it, it was depression, I denied it 100% until now. I wanted to be strong and didn't want to accept that I was depressed Thy abortion was the biggest mistake of my life. I let other people pressure me into something that I convinced myself I believed in something which I didn't. It's now been almost a year past the abortion and it still stays with me. I sometimes find myself holding my stomach like a pregnant women would do as if my boy was still there. To my precious little boy Kaiden, mummy loves you and is forever sorry. May somehow you can forgive me because mummy truly misses you and loves you as wishes you were here
This story was sent in on 16/03/2015 and it's been viewed 98 times.

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