It’s four days since I had my abortion and I am totally lost.
The pregnancy itself was making me feel very sick and I have deep mental traumas with pregnancy and childbirth. I was raped when I was a teenager and the outcome was my first child. I have very little memory of being pregnant, just a feeling of being dirty and not in control. The memories of the birth however are very vivid. It was a very difficult birth and we both nearly did not make it, but the worst thing was all these strangers there who I knew were just trying to help us but they were touching me and doing things. I had no control over the blood and the noise. But throughout I felt like I was in a dream and I was watching it happen to someone else.
When I became pregnant for a second time, all these feelings came back and I went through that pregnancy and birth in the same dream-like state. As soon as I became pregnant for the third time with a very loving and caring partner, these feelings of dirtiness, fear and loss of control came back. There was only one choice in my head and as my partner watched me fall apart, he agreed that the abortion was the only option. I went to the doctor’s as soon as I found out and they asked the usual questions about periods. I knew exactly the time I had become pregnant, as sex is a difficult thing for me and I struggle with my feelings afterwards. I am left replaying it over in my head trying to convince myself there was nothing wrong with what I have done and block out the feelings of being dirty. It will normally take me a few days to stop this obsession but I am left with the memory fixed in my head, so I knew exactly how far on I was as I can remember the time and date I had sex.
The doctor booked me an appointment for four weeks time. I had explained my circumstances and that for these reasons I wanted a surgical abortion so I would have no memory of the actual procedure. When my hospital date came, I went and again they did the usual tests. Then they did a scan and the doctor explained that I was twelve weeks and had to have the medical abortion from that moment on. I was no longer in control of how I wanted it to be. I tried to explain that twelve weeks was impossible but he just shrugged it off and made out that I must be confused on my dates and at that point I just gave up and let the dream-like state take over.
The abortion itself was not really explained to me and as I went through it I felt totally confused and unaware what was happening. I found the whole experience very disturbing. I am left with a memory which just constantly runs through my head. Basically I passed my baby into a bed pan placed over the toilet. Too terrified to look I then pulled a buzzer for help. A nurse came and took it away and I was left there just shocked. The bleeding just did not seem to stop.
I left the hospital thirty minutes later as if this was not happening. I then had to drive for an hour to get home. I remember panicking as by then I was just soaked. For the next few hours, it was as if nothing had happened but the next morning it all came back.
I now feel so guilty. I desperately want to tell my baby how sorry I am for doing what I have done and for leaving it at the hospital. I have nowhere to go to say goodbye or to explain. My partner is doing the best he can but I feel so ashamed for terminating his baby when he is such a loving kind person and would have made a great dad, especially when I did not terminate my first pregnancy and kept the baby whose dad raped me. I feel like I have lost every thing because I did not think I would have coped, but am left feeling very alone selfish and not coping at all.
I wish I could turn back time. I truly believed it was the right choice but I know different now. If anyone out there is thinking of making this choice then just think about the other options too. I have made a terrible mistake and I was a hundred percent about my decision at the time.
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…There are obviously many layers to your experience of sex, pregnancy, childbirth and now abortion which means you may need some extra special care in coming to terms with what has happened.
You haven’t said what counselling you have received over the years but it would help you initially to contact the Life Centre in Chichester, Sussex that specialises in supporting those who have experienced sexual trauma. They will be able to support you with all aspects of your experience. The number is: 01243 779196. We’ll be thinking of you.