I had an abortion and my life completely changed to a nightmare

I had an abortion and my life has completely changed. I was in a happy relationship with someone who thought the world of me but as soon as I found out I was pregnant I knew what I wanted to do. I and my partner spoke about it and after a long talk, we both agreed abortion would be best not just for us but for the baby. So I booked it.

Throughout the days leading up to it, I was doubting it every second, constantly changing my mind in my head about what I wanted to do. I made possibly the worst mistake and went for a scan at my local hospital. In there I broke into pieces. I saw the head and the body but the one thing that will stay with me until the day I die is the tiny little heart beating. I knew from that moment my own heart was telling me to keep it but my head was still saying no it's the wrong time and you're in the wrong situation. It was a toss-up between my heart and my head and my head won.

The abortion day itself was made very bearable. I took my mum and a friend along with me who were trying their best to distract me in the waiting room but I knew what was coming.

As I went into the room a nurse quickly told me to put a towel around my waist and keep my top on. After doing so, it was the longest two-minute wait of my life to go into the room where it would all happen.

I walked in and that same nurse quickly grabbed me and advised me of who each person was. The room was filled with different nurses and doctors it's a blurred memory but there was about 8 people. Overwhelmed and nervous are understatements but I didn't have time to think as I was quickly laid down onto the bed.

A doctor had one arm and a nurse had another as two nurses were putting my legs up into stirrups. One doctor was attempting to ask me general questions but my mind was a mess and I had no idea what he was saying. After being advised by a nurse I needed to be awake so I know what position I'm going to be put out in I was gone.

The next thing I knew I awoke being placed into a big comfy chair. I was confused, still under anaesthetic, but I could see all the girls sitting around me in recovery. One girl was completely fine and ready to go, one had also just come out and was in a lot of pain.

As soon as I felt my own sedation wearing off the pain struck me. My stomach felt like it was in knots and as I looked at a nurse for reassurance she hurried over to top up my meds and give me antibiotics. After a while, they kicked in and the pain went and I was ready to go home.

At the time I felt slight relief but no longer than a day later the guilt kicked in. How can I be so selfish? How is it okay for me to end another humans life let alone my own child's. My heart is broken and it doesn't feel like I will ever be able to forgive myself. I and my partner are no longer together as I couldn't deal with both of us doing this, it's hard enough to know I was part of that decision.

It feels so wrong, normally with death, there's a funeral, a memorial, something where you have that closure and say goodbye. With abortion there's nothing, it feels like it's all been swept under the carpet like it was all a big nightmare that never happened but that's not the reality. It's happened and I'm living this nightmare.

It's hard to talk about. My family know but I can't talk to them as I physically can't get the words out or I cry. My temper is 1-100 very very quickly and I feel like I've lost complete control.

What's the next step for me? How do I move on from a murder of my child that I allowed and consented to happen? How do I live my life like a normal person knowing I have blood on my hands. It's a hard long road and I can't see an end.

This story was sent in on 10/07/2015

Editor's comment

It is very painful to have these emotions of guilt and regret. I think abortion is often sanitised and because it is a legal procedure, it can be easy to avoid the reality of what you are choosing to do.

Your painful emotions are coming from your heart. As you said your head rationalised the decision and won but your heart had made that connection with the scan you saw and the heartbeat you heard.

I do believe there's a way through this for you but it's important to have some post-abortion support and counselling, which will help you to work through the painful emotions coming from your heart.

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