I have had 3 abortions, yes, 3 by Sula

I have had 3 abortions. Yes 3. I am a terrible human being.

My first happened when I was 16, I was with my first long-term boyfriend and I fell pregnant in the first year of our relationship. I can't remember the details of it all but I remember going to the sexual health clinic with him for the pregnancy test and hearing the Dr tell me it was positive.

I felt sick to my stomach. For some reason the thought of being pregnant disgusted me, I felt like an alien was inside me beginning to take over. I remember thinking if this is how I feel about pregnancy then I will never have children.

Me and my partner spoke and decided to have an abortion. We went to our hospital appointment for the scan but I was never told how far I was but I was given all the options available for me. I decided for a medical abortion.

When the day came I went to the hospital with my partner and his Dad, I put the tablets inside me and waited in the bed for hours on end for nothing to happen. I was then sent home and told that I may pass it at home and told what to do.

That night I went back to my partners home and passed my pregnancy in my underwear. I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time and by the time I got there I pulled my clothing down and saw my child. I couldn't move or do anything so my partner had to come in and wrap it in toilet roll and take it elsewhere. And that was that.

My second happened when I was 19/20. I was with my new current partner for less than a year and fell pregnant. We discussed our options and even though he felt more towards keeping it, I didn't so I could only do what I felt best for me which was an abortion.

We went to BPAS for our scan and I was told I was early enough for a medical abortion which is what I was hoping for, however, we also found out I was pregnant with twins. After our scan we left confused and scared.

Twins!? The thought excited us but scared us equally, it made our decision much harder. The chance of twins was small and part of me didn't want to miss it but I knew two babies was not a good idea. How would we cope when we were still stupid kids ourselves.

After long discussions we decided to go ahead with the abortion and it was one of the most painful of them all. I thought I was going to die. Even though they're gone I still have a scan picture of them both to remember.

Here comes the twist as I then conceived a few months after the abortion and discovered I was pregnant again. This time I felt like a fool for not only had I killed 3 babies so far I was now going to do it again.

Me and my current partner booked our appointments and scans but this time I was going to have to have a surgical abortion which scared me to the core. But we had our date set.

For some reason when the day came we didn't go. To cut it short I kept the baby. She is nearly 1 now and I love her more than anyone can explain. But 3 days ago I had another abortion.

I knew I was pregnant before the test showed me it was positive but I quickly made appointments for a termination. My partner was supportive however his decision was not the same as mine. This time it was different than all the rest. This time I am a mother. I know what happens at the end of this and the love you have for a child you didn't necessarily want in the beginning. But I was compelled to go ahead with the abortion even though this time there were massive doubts.

To cut it short I had a medical abortion and am still recovering at the moment. But this time I'm grieving. I killed my child this time. I killed what felt like my current daughter. I killed her brother. It was a boy, somehow I know it was a boy. My little darling. I put tablets in me , churned up my child and spewed him out.

I deserve hell. But what can I do now other than grieve my lost boy. And those poor little twins. The only good that has ever come out of any of these abortions is my daughter now. If I hadn't got rid of my twins then I wouldn't have been able to conceive her as I would have still been pregnant.

Before ever going for an abortion please think. Think long and hard.

Sula sent this story in on 07/08/2015

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