My ex-boyfriend's exact words were "this does not look okay"

I wanted to share my story because I found reading the other stories on here really helped me while I was going through my abortion.

I am 19 years old, fresh out of my first year in college, and was in an unhealthy relationship when I got pregnant. I was in denial for the 8 weeks I was late on my period because I was on birth control and don't know how in the world it happened but it did.

My boyfriend and I had talked about what we'd do if something like this ever happened. And we always came to the conclusion that abortion was the right decision for us. We are broken up, which just added to the commotion that was my life at that point.

I was working so I had money to pay for the abortion, but there was no possible way for me to get the money out of my account without my parents seeing which was my biggest fear in all of this besides the possible complications that come with abortions. I could absolutely NOT disappoint my parents like this.

My boyfriend and I worked it out and I was able to get around this issue through Paypal and him swiping his card at the clinic we went to. Which brings me to my number one advice to anybody getting an abortion. Never never never pass up on quality.

I did not want a surgical abortion, but I was already approaching 9 weeks... one week after most clinics would not perform medical abortions. So I had to find a clinic that could see me asap but be somewhat affordable for me and my boyfriend (he split the cost with me).

I decided to go with the cheapest clinic we could find near me (which was still an hour away) because at the end of the day I needed the money I made while working to pay for college. The clinic was only charging for the sonogram and giving the pill "for free" and also had a student discount.

I made up a story to get the car from my parents for more than 3 hours and drove up to the clinic. When I got there my ex-boyfriend's exact words were "this does not look okay". And it didn't.

It was an old scary looking building with no cars in front of it and shades covering its windows. But I drove all this way and we couldn't wait any longer if I wanted the medical abortion so we went inside.

The nurses or whatever they are called were friendly but, I felt, very unprofessional. It was cold and unwelcoming and I would not recommend anyone to that clinic, not even my worst enemy. It just didn't look or feel safe.

But I went through with their process and paid them the money and got my shot of mifepristone and a baggie with 2 sets of pills of misoprostol to insert vaginally during the weekend, painkillers, and antibiotics. As soon as he handed me the bag I practically ran out the door. I wanted to be as far away from that place as possible.

My ex-boyfriend drove us home, and I just tried to relax and read over the paperwork to make sure everything went as it should when the day came to insert the first set of pills.

I ended up inserting the pills, taking a painkiller, and waiting for the cramps and pain to start but nothing happened. I went to sleep peacefully with a maxi pad on expecting to wake up in a pool of blood or something. But the next morning I awoke to a pill coming out of my vagina fully intact in some blood and only had a couple of cramps here or there and some bleeding but not even enough to fill a panty liner.

I was so scared something had gone wrong. But I tried to relax and let whatever was happening to happen. Eventually, the bleeding died down to nothing and it was time for the second set of pills. I inserted those and again went to sleep with no pain.

When I awoke the next morning NOTHING had happened. I didn't bleed and I had no cramps for the entire day. I was freaked by this point. I called the clinic to tell them what happened even though they said not to call if I wasn't bleeding and didn't have pain. They told me that it was normal in some cases for this to happen and the abortion could occur at any moment during the three weeks in between my first visit and my follow up.

I was sceptical of this but continued on with my life. I felt no pain or cramps, no nausea or any other pregnancy symptoms, and absolutely no bleeding. I soon developed a discharge that turned brown as my 3 weeks follow up was approaching.

I had my annual gynaecologist appointment a couple of days before my follow up so I figured why not use this opportunity to find out from someone I trust and feel comfortable with what's going on. My gyno ended up telling me that my pregnancy was definitely not viable anymore but that I still had most, if not all, of the pregnancy tissue still inside my uterus and that I would need to follow up with the clinic I went to.

This absolutely crushed me. I was so flustered I left the office without paying my co-pay... I got in my car and just cried. I called my ex-boyfriend and told him what my gyno had told me and he took the rest of the day off to help me get my mind off of everything.

It just really hit me like a truck, my little grape-sized thing inside me was ripped to shreds and is just floating around inside me. I don't know why but something about that thought just really hurt me. I couldn't believe I did this to that little thing inside. I felt horrible.

Then I started to worry about going back to that clinic I went to. I had the option of going to a center that looked professional, had great reviews, looked safe from the outside, was only 20 minutes from my house and just made me feel so much better just talking on the phone with them. But they were a little bit more expensive and so I missed out on probably a much better experience.

I was just very scared that I would have to go back and they'd tell me I would have to do a surgical procedure. I didn't trust their nurses, doctor, equipment, nothing. I was terrified. And my ex-boyfriend told me "you're absolutely not going back there if you don't feel 100% comfortable" and I didn't so I called them to let them know I would not be able to make my follow up but that I would be getting checked very soon by a clinic or Planned Parenthood near my college.

They urged me to come in but I respectfully told them I just couldn't make it up there. They said it was okay as long as I got checked. I was aware of the possibility of infection and I was not going to mess around with that, but I also wasn't going to put myself in a situation that I didn't feel was safest for me or my health.

I started calling clinics around my college but the one that I had my heart set on, that I knew would do a good job and take care of me, told me their doctor wouldn't see me if I had already been seen by another doctor, and that most doctors wouldn't. So even after I had told her I didn't feel safe at the clinic I went to, she told me I could not be seen.

I contacted a different one who told me they could see me but that she needed to check on what price she would be able to give me because she wasn't sure about my specific case what I would be charged. She ended up not getting back to me until the next day.

I had plans to get together with some high school friends to catch up and see how everyone was doing after their first year of school. We drank wine and laughed and had a good time, it felt great to forget about what was going on for a little bit. But by the end of the night, I started to have horrible pains in my stomach and a really bad backache. I was so confused.

I got home and started up my heating pad and went to bed. I ended up not sleeping very much as the pain from the cramps were unbearable. I couldn't take it anymore and at 5 am got up to use the bathroom. That's when I poured out red blood and clots.

All I was thinking was, "seriously... the DAY before my follow up is when this actually happens, you've got to be kidding." I couldn't sleep the rest of the night and just had to breathe my way through every horrible cramp. It is by far the worst experience of my life.

By 11 am I was having these deadly cramps. I stripped naked because I was sweating from the pain and could barely breathe. It would ease a little bit and then come back full storm. It felt like someone was wringing my insides. I thought I was going to pass out. I felt light headed and nauseous. I thought I was going to end up on the floor of my bathroom calling for my mom having to spill the beans about what was going on so she could take me to the hospital.

I was literally ready to crumble. When I felt a big blob just plop right out of me and splash toilet water on me. Inside the toilet bowl was a piece of tissue the size of a golfball maybe even a little bit bigger. I scooped it out to get a better look, I had heard about girls passing their fully intact fetus and I was curious if this was mine. But it just didn't look like it.

It just looked like a blob of tissue. For a little bit I thought it was a piece of my inside that broke off of me in the process and kind of freaked out a little bit but then I realized that's probably not possible. I took a picture of the little blob just in case and flushed it down the toilet.

After passing that miniature bolder my cramps became manageable and eventually went away. And my bleeding went down to a minimum. I'm hoping that everything is finally over and I can get on with my life and just have a checkup to find out that everything has passed and I'm good to go.

I hope someone who's medical abortion didn't go by the books can read this and be a little better prepared than I was for an unexpected abortion to happen at any moment after the pills are taken.

This story was sent in on 13/08/2015

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