After the termination I felt better but now feel really bad

On the 19th of March 2008, I had an abortion. I am 37 years old. I had a miscarriage in September 2007.

In January 2008, I found out I was pregnant. This was a planned pregnancy. In the early stages of pregnancy, I was bleeding so I had a scan at 5 weeks. The baby was fine, but when they told me that the baby was fine, I did not feel any joy or happiness.

The next day I felt really depressed and low. The morning sickness was getting worse. The depression got worse and I started hating the baby. I was ashamed of being pregnant. I could not stand the sight of babies or pregnant woman. I could not look after my two children. I did not want to see them or my husband.

I had to make a choice. Everyone was suffering. I felt better after the termination, but now I am feeling sad and guilty. I WISH I HAD KEPT THE BABY. I felt like I killed the baby. No one offered any counselling. I really feel bad.

Editor's comment

Thanks for sharing your story with us. It sounds as if you didn’t really have time to come to terms with your miscarriage before becoming pregnant again and now your emotions became very confused. You need time to talk these events through with someone who understands what a rollercoaster pregnancy loss – both miscarriage and abortion - can be emotionally and help you to unravel what’s going on inside of you. Please visit your nearest centre to talk to someone confidentially.

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