Since then I haven't done anything apart from sit and cry and stroke my stomach
I had a scan on 7th July, I was 11 weeks 4 days and I could see my baby. At this point, I wanted to keep the baby because that's what I saw it as, but my boyfriend didn't want it, he was thinking practically whereas I was thinking emotionally.
I knew this would destroy me... I never told him this, because of my past, I was raped nearly 3 years ago and I would rather go through that again the have an abortion.
I had 16 weeks nearly 17 with my baby. I spoke to him every night and stroked him whenever I could get away with it. I loved him so much, I cried every night.
I found out I was pregnant at 8 or 9 weeks then 2 or 3 weeks later I had my scan, then went on holiday so I couldn't do anything then.
I had my consultation at my local BPAS clinic, but on the day I had to travel 200 miles there and back it was awful. The day before I had to go my boyfriend's car broke down so we couldn't go, and I had to wait until the week after when I was 16 weeks and 5 days.
The day before, my boyfriend had told me why he touches my stomach and kisses my stomach because his baby was in there and he loves it. That made me certain I was not going through with it but somewhere down the line, I'm laying in the operating theatre thinking I don't want this about to say no and they put drugs into my cannula and within seconds I was gone.
I can't remember much else apart from, waking up crying for my baby and my boyfriend. I begged the nurse to tell me where my baby was as I needed to see him or her, to say goodbye, but she wouldn't let me get out of bed. Due to my shouting, crying and screaming they moved me and I fell asleep again.
I woke up next to two girls, one was still asleep, the other was awake. She was standing ready to get in the wheelchair and came to my bed and kissed my head saying my baby is fine, it's safe, it will always be in your heart...
My boyfriend promised he would be there but he wasn't. I was alone for 15 minutes. I refused to eat but told my boyfriend I did, so he only brought me a little meal. On the way home I barely spoke, I couldn't and didn't wanna do anything.
Until today I've been fine. On the 1st of September, I am meant to have my 19 weeks and 4-day scan. I got a text through, since then I haven't done anything apart from sit and cry and stroke my stomach knowing what I did. I could have saved my baby but I didn't have time, now I am paying for the guilt and it's eating my alive.