Since then I haven't done anything apart from sit and cry and stroke my stomach

I had a surgical abortion at 16 weeks and 5 days, it was the worst day of my life.

I had a scan on 7th July, I was 11 weeks 4 days and I could see my baby. At this point, I wanted to keep the baby because that's what I saw it as, but my boyfriend didn't want it, he was thinking practically whereas I was thinking emotionally.

I knew this would destroy me... I never told him this, because of my past, I was raped nearly 3 years ago and I would rather go through that again the have an abortion.

I had 16 weeks nearly 17 with my baby. I spoke to him every night and stroked him whenever I could get away with it. I loved him so much, I cried every night.

I found out I was pregnant at 8 or 9 weeks then 2 or 3 weeks later I had my scan, then went on holiday so I couldn't do anything then.

I had my consultation at my local BPAS clinic, but on the day I had to travel 200 miles there and back it was awful. The day before I had to go my boyfriend's car broke down so we couldn't go, and I had to wait until the week after when I was 16 weeks and 5 days.

The day before, my boyfriend had told me why he touches my stomach and kisses my stomach because his baby was in there and he loves it. That made me certain I was not going through with it but somewhere down the line, I'm laying in the operating theatre thinking I don't want this about to say no and they put drugs into my cannula and within seconds I was gone.

I can't remember much else apart from, waking up crying for my baby and my boyfriend. I begged the nurse to tell me where my baby was as I needed to see him or her, to say goodbye, but she wouldn't let me get out of bed. Due to my shouting, crying and screaming they moved me and I fell asleep again.

I woke up next to two girls, one was still asleep, the other was awake. She was standing ready to get in the wheelchair and came to my bed and kissed my head saying my baby is fine, it's safe, it will always be in your heart...

My boyfriend promised he would be there but he wasn't. I was alone for 15 minutes. I refused to eat but told my boyfriend I did, so he only brought me a little meal. On the way home I barely spoke, I couldn't and didn't wanna do anything.

Until today I've been fine. On the 1st of September, I am meant to have my 19 weeks and 4-day scan. I got a text through, since then I haven't done anything apart from sit and cry and stroke my stomach knowing what I did. I could have saved my baby but I didn't have time, now I am paying for the guilt and it's eating my alive.

This story was sent in on 22/08/2015

Read more abortion stories

I was already 12 weeks so the Dr said not to mention it

I wouldn't advise anyone to go through what I went through…

Previous

I'd never considered being a mother but was 17 and pregnant

I'd missed a period but never even thought it could be pregnancy…

Next

Help & support is available

If you're struggling through a situation like that described above, or have been affected by similar issues in the past, no matter how long ago, help is available.

You can get free, sensitive & confidential help at a centre near you. Use these links for:

Got a story to tell?

Relating your story to other people can be difficult but can be very rewarding.

If you'd like to tell other readers, possibly facing the same problems you did, about your experiences please click the button to:

Tell your story →