I know he'll make me get an abortion if I tell him but I'm not so sure this time

I had an abortion 7 months ago and I am pregnant again. The first time was with my current boyfriend, but it was only a month since we started dating when I became pregnant. It was so soon and he didn't want it and neither did I.

My period is very regular so I knew I was pregnant a few days before my expected period. My boobs were tender, farting, peeing a lot, bloated and could feel a little bump when I was standing. I was so worried about the process but since I knew early I just needed to take some pills in my cheek to cause a miscarriage.

I read all the horror stories of an at home termination, but I was pleasantly surprised. I had an hour of really bad cramping and bleeding and actually had to do 3 rounds of the pills but it was basically a bad long period.

It was so easy that I was empty after. Like how can something so big be nothing? I couldn't wrap my head around it.

For the first while after seeing babies made me want to leave the room and I would feel like bursting into tears out of nowhere. I think deep down even though it was nothing and so easy, it still resonates with me. I forever have to carry this on my shoulders.

My boyfriend never will understand and I try to explain but I don't even know why I feel this way. He is like just forget it and move on. But I have a good memory and he's the kinda guy that slept around and doesn't remember any names or what the girls looked like. Hell, he can't remember what he ate for breakfast.

Anyways, now we have been together for 7½ months and I am pregnant again.

We actually just moved in together since he will be gone a lot with starting a new job out of town. We are very in love and are kind of moving fast, but we have lived with significant others before and know this is right. We talk about the future and buying a house and everything we want to do including our wedding.

He is 28 and was in the army, but just finished EMT school and is broke just starting work. I am 24 and just finished a year ago at university and have travelled all over Europe. Soon (within the next 5 years) I will be ready to have a baby and I really love my boyfriend. But now is not ideal. We don't have the money or the wedding rings or the things set up to have a kid.

I also don't want to tell my kid they were an accident when asked. I also know my father will be disappointed and I tell my mom everything and wish I could tell her about the abortion but can't.

If worst comes to it I know my parents will help me out even let me stay with them for free and take care of the baby. I don't want that though, I want my own way. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons and see how much money I will have saved by the due date. I haven't told my boyfriend since I just peed on a stick and he's away at work.

I'm also scared, I know he will make me get another abortion if I tell him. I'm not so sure this time I want one since it was such an emotional blow last time. I know I can always have a new one and it wasn't painful at all, but I feel like I just can't do it again. I also told him I'm never having an abortion again.

The last thing he wants is a kid now. His plan is to get out of debt from school then save money and buy a house in a couple years and propose to me and then we can start thinking babies. I want this too but I am pregnant now and have no clue where we will be in 9 months.

I just needed to get this off my chest and think what to do before I tell my bf.

This story was sent in on 06/09/2015

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