It wasn't until I left the hospital that I realised what had just happened. I haven't stopped crying since.

By anonymous on 22/09/2015
united kingdom medical abortion abortion 17 weeks

So yesterday was most definitely the worst day of my life and an experience I'll never be able to forget. When I found out I was pregnant I didn't know what or how to feel. I guess I felt ashamed, the number of times I'd said to myself I would never be a young mum and here I was, 18 and pregnant.

My boyfriend of a year and a half was there for me through it all, it really helped to have someone so supportive as there was no way I could tell my parents.

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Every day I went through whether I wanted to keep the baby or have a termination, however, my boyfriend was set on having a termination as he believed we weren't ready.

Weeks went past and I just kind of brushed it off. Then finally I made an appointment with the doctor. I spoke through all my options and the doctor could see I wasn't sure about what I wanted to do, so she told me to think about it for a few days then come back.

After a lot of tears, I decided the right option for me was to have a termination. A week later I was given an appointment at the local sexual health clinic where they'd do a scan to see how far along I was. At this point, I didn't expect to be anything over 9 or 10 weeks.

The nurse did an internal scan but couldn't get a good image so she then went on to do an abdominal one. It was silent for a while and then she told me I was 16 weeks. I went into complete shock, how could I have been pregnant for so long and not known?

After the scan, I then saw a doctor who went through what would happen during my termination, as I was so far along my only option was a late medical termination.

The day came and I still didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I got to the hospital and had a room to myself with a tv and toilet/shower.

I was admitted at 7:30 and had my first set of tablets (vaginally) at about 7:40. By about 8:30 the cramps started, they were just like mild period pains.

Then at 10:40 I had my second set of tablets, again they were taken vaginally, this is when the pain really began.

All I had been told previously by the doctor was that I'd experience period-like pains, but the pains I was experiencing were definitely not period cramps. The pain got so unbearable that I was given 3 different types of pain medication but nothing was easing the pain.

It came to about 1:40 and I had to have another set of tablets vaginally, which was really the last thing I wanted when the contractions were so intense. At this point I was so drained from the pain I don't really remember much, I felt like I kept passing out.

Then suddenly I felt the need to push, which I was confused about because I don't remember my waters breaking and I'd had no bleeding. So I went to the toilet where there was a bedpan and I pushed.

It wasn't until I left the hospital at around 5 that I realised what had just happened. I haven't stopped crying since. I know one day it will get easier but I don't think that day will come any time soon.

I killed my perfect little healthy baby of 17 weeks and gave birth to it then just left it at the hospital. The guilt I feel just now is unbearable.

As much as I know it probably wouldn't have helped things, I wish I'd seen my baby. The nurses were very careful when taking the bedpan away to make sure I didn't see him/her. I wish so badly I had a scan to remember my baby by and to even have known if it was a boy or a girl but I guess I'll never know.

It really was the worst day of my life and I wish I'd been warned more what it was really going to be like. I know the doctors just didn't want to scare me out of it but I essentially went into labour which I wasn't prepared for at all.

I'd also like to say a massive thank you to the doctors and nurses at the hospital who really were amazing. They were so friendly which made the situation that little bit easier.

I felt pressure and I knew this was the baby - after about 5 or 6 pushes the baby was born at around 2:30 pm.

As bad as it sounds I remember feeling a sense of relief, I was so out of it from the pain I'd been in I was just glad it was over. I just don't think it had properly sunk in what had just happened.

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