It wasn't until I left the hospital that I realised what had just happened. I haven't stopped crying since.

united kingdom medical abortion abortion 17 weeks

So yesterday was most definitely the worst day of my life and an experience I'll never be able to forget. When I found out I was pregnant I didn't know what or how to feel. I guess I felt ashamed, the number of times I'd said to myself I would never be a young mum and here I was, 18 and pregnant.

My boyfriend of a year and a half was there for me through it all, it really helped to have someone so supportive as there was no way I could tell my parents.

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Every day I went through whether I wanted to keep the baby or have a termination, however, my boyfriend was set on having a termination as he believed we weren't ready.

Weeks went past and I just kind of brushed it off. Then finally I made an appointment with the doctor. I spoke through all my options and the doctor could see I wasn't sure about what I wanted to do, so she told me to think about it for a few days then come back.

After a lot of tears, I decided the right option for me was to have a termination. A week later I was given an appointment at the local sexual health clinic where they'd do a scan to see how far along I was. At this point, I didn't expect to be anything over 9 or 10 weeks.

The nurse did an internal scan but couldn't get a good image so she then went on to do an abdominal one. It was silent for a while and then she told me I was 16 weeks. I went into complete shock, how could I have been pregnant for so long and not known?

After the scan, I then saw a doctor who went through what would happen during my termination, as I was so far along my only option was a late medical termination.

The day came and I still didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I got to the hospital and had a room to myself with a tv and toilet/shower.

I was admitted at 7:30 and had my first set of tablets (vaginally) at about 7:40. By about 8:30 the cramps started, they were just like mild period pains.

Then at 10:40 I had my second set of tablets, again they were taken vaginally, this is when the pain really began.

All I had been told previously by the doctor was that I'd experience period-like pains, but the pains I was experiencing were definitely not period cramps. The pain got so unbearable that I was given 3 different types of pain medication but nothing was easing the pain.

It came to about 1:40 and I had to have another set of tablets vaginally, which was really the last thing I wanted when the contractions were so intense. At this point I was so drained from the pain I don't really remember much, I felt like I kept passing out.

Then suddenly I felt the need to push, which I was confused about because I don't remember my waters breaking and I'd had no bleeding. So I went to the toilet where there was a bedpan and I pushed.

It wasn't until I left the hospital at around 5 that I realised what had just happened. I haven't stopped crying since. I know one day it will get easier but I don't think that day will come any time soon.

I killed my perfect little healthy baby of 17 weeks and gave birth to it then just left it at the hospital. The guilt I feel just now is unbearable.

As much as I know it probably wouldn't have helped things, I wish I'd seen my baby. The nurses were very careful when taking the bedpan away to make sure I didn't see him/her. I wish so badly I had a scan to remember my baby by and to even have known if it was a boy or a girl but I guess I'll never know.

It really was the worst day of my life and I wish I'd been warned more what it was really going to be like. I know the doctors just didn't want to scare me out of it but I essentially went into labour which I wasn't prepared for at all.

I'd also like to say a massive thank you to the doctors and nurses at the hospital who really were amazing. They were so friendly which made the situation that little bit easier.

I felt pressure and I knew this was the baby - after about 5 or 6 pushes the baby was born at around 2:30 pm.

As bad as it sounds I remember feeling a sense of relief, I was so out of it from the pain I'd been in I was just glad it was over. I just don't think it had properly sunk in what had just happened.

« I look back on the day of my abortion with relief and gratefulnes

It was my decision to abort before, during, and after…

The doctor did an ultrasound but she couldn't find anything  »

By the time I went back my baby had a little heartbeat…

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