I regret my decision deeply, it was a complicated termination

I was 18 years old, I had just started a new job and moved into a flat with my boyfriend when I found out I was pregnant.

I knew it. I knew it before I took the test, it was a strange gut feeling I'd never experienced before.

I was in denial and kept putting it off. I eventually decided to take a pregnancy test with my boyfriend after work. I asked to do it in private and he respected that, I could feel him leaning on the other side of the door.

Those two lines I will never forget! It appeared instantly, I thought to myself 'this must be wrong, it can't tell you that quickly, that wasn't three minutes' again I was in denial and shock.

I showed my partner, he smiled and didn't speak for what felt like a very long time. We took another test, positive again, and again and again.

This time we took a Clear Blue test the result was 3+ weeks. I don't know how I felt. I don't know if I felt anything. I couldn't think.

The next day I went to my local Sexual Health Clinic, I don't know what I was expecting to get from this appointment but it was not beneficial.

They basically told me I was pregnant (which I already knew). I got no comfort from this appointment at all, they simply told me the three options and asked me if they could book an appointment for a termination which I could cancel at any point.

For weeks on end, I was restless and unsettled but I didn't feel like I had made any steps towards coming to a decision. It really broke me.

I decided to go and speak to a professional, we listed down together the pros and cons of raising my baby (the cons now seem so insignificant and I would not recommend this to anyone!!!).

I still was no further forward in making a decision, I didn't feel anything I was very numb to the whole situation. I couldn't persuade myself to go to my termination appointment. I missed it without calling, I couldn't face calling them.

A few more weeks later I re-booked my appointment, went, and I saw my baby on the screen and I fell in love.

Everything the nurse said for the rest of the appointment went in one ear and out the other. That was my tiny baby inside me, getting ready for the world!

I didn't return for my following appointment, again.

A week later I decided I had to just do it. I tried not to think about it. To this day I still don't know why I made this decision and why I didn't have the strength to follow my gut.

I went for another scan and my baby was so much bigger! I tried not to look anymore, I couldn't. The nurse reassured me my baby would be the size of a large pea and it was not formed yet.

I can't bring myself to discuss the procedure with you, this is still very raw for me.

I regret my decision deeply, I had a complicated termination and my baby had hands and feet, fingers and toes. I am so sorry, I had no right to take away your life my angel.

The only advice I can give to people in this difficult time is to follow your heart, all these things you are probably worrying about are temporary and the fear and being scared will slowly fade away.

I feel like I failed to protect my baby and I cannot forgive myself, I think of him/her every day in everything I do.

I wish I gave my baby a chance in the world.

I hope this story helps at least one person.

This story was sent in on 24/09/2015

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