After 3 abortions, years later, I still experience confusion, anxiety, anger & depression

By anonymous on 29/05/2008

Every so often I dissolve in feelings of confusion, anxiety, anger, depression. I do genuinely believe most of the time that these feelings are triggered by other things. But when the chips are down, the abortions and their circumstances are all I can think about.

I had my first at 16 (lost my virginity on my birthday), the second with my first live-in boyfriend who I had already decided to leave and the third with the man who is now my husband.

Of all of them, I regret the third the most as it was just a knee-jerk reaction to the fear of being pregnant.

The first one makes me feel sick as I had no control over any decisions.

The second one I feel just guilty about.

Right now I have huge issues with all of it.

I'm 40 this year. I don't have kids. I tell everyone I don't want them. I do. I've kept up the pretence for so long I sometimes convince myself.

But I do, I do so want a baby. But I can't - how can I? I killed three.

Editor's comment

Thank you for sharing your story… In your last question, it seems that what you really mean to ask is, ‘I don’t deserve to have a child, do I?’ So often we want to punish ourselves or pay back for what we have done but this is a sorrow that is never-ending and going nowhere. You've given yourself a life-sentence, haven't you? It feels as if your heart has been locked up for far too long, not only with feelings of guilt but also a sense of loss, longing, grief and anger too. It’s time to get out of the trap of punishment and penance now so that you can be free to be yourself after all these years. Find the courage to call your nearest centre, make an appointment for post-abortion counselling, and begin the journey of recovery. We’ll be thinking of you.

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