After 3 abortions, years later, I still experience confusion, anxiety, anger & depression

Every so often I dissolve in feelings of confusion, anxiety, anger, depression. I do genuinely believe most of the time that these feelings are triggered by other things. But when the chips are down, the abortions and their circumstances are all I can think about.

I had my first at 16 (lost my virginity on my birthday), the second with my first live-in boyfriend who I had already decided to leave and the third with the man who is now my husband.

Of all of them, I regret the third the most as it was just a knee-jerk reaction to the fear of being pregnant.

The first one makes me feel sick as I had no control over any decisions.

The second one I feel just guilty about.

Right now I have huge issues with all of it.

I'm 40 this year. I don't have kids. I tell everyone I don't want them. I do. I've kept up the pretence for so long I sometimes convince myself.

But I do, I do so want a baby. But I can't - how can I? I killed three.