I tell myself each year I will bury it, and finally let go... but I don't by Amy

It's 30th April tomorrow & I dread this day so much. Three years ago to that day I had a surgical abortion. I was about a week away from being allowed the pill to end the pregnancy & was told the surgical procedure was far better.

I remember laying in the bed on the ward, four other ladies in beds too. All knowing what each one of us was there for. I remember secretly hoping my husband would text & say please don't do this - he too was hoping I'd text him saying I'm coming home.

When I went down to the room & got on the op bed I knew there was no turning back - the surgeons were really nice.

When I came round I felt so empty & ashamed... And angry at myself. Going home was horrible. I felt no pain, no nothing. And I wanted to feel pain but there was nothing.

Until 6 weeks later when I lost a lot of blood (coming off a bus). I was told there was still remains left from the procedure and had to go through the whole experience again. I had all the pain that second time. I felt I was being punished.

Three years on & I still have the pregnancy test & all the paper work - I tell myself each year I will bury it, and finally let go... but I don't. Maybe tomorrow I might find the strength.

My husband isn't one for dwelling on the past, which is helpful. I doubt if he even remembers the date. Inside I miss that baby & I know I love the baby but do I have the right - I signed the permission form, no one else.

Reading the other story's shows me I'm not only one. You're all brave. And like me, I hope you can all bring yourselves to let go & forgive yourselves.

Amy sent this story in on 29/04/2015

Other stories about abortion

A simple run down of events during a 5 weeks medical abortion

I didn't have cramps that felt like my womb was being ripped out…


The guilt I have is unbearable - does it ever get any easier?

I can't stand to be around babies, pregnant women, even adverts…


Help & support is available

If you're struggling through a situation like that described above, or have been affected by similar issues in the past, no matter how long ago, help is available.

You can get free, sensitive & confidential help at a centre near you. Use these links for:

Got a story to tell?

Relating your story to other people can be difficult but can be very rewarding.

If you'd like to tell other readers, possibly facing the same problems you did, about your experiences please click the button to:

Tell your story →