I tell myself each year I will bury it, and finally let go... but I don't

surgical abortion

It's 30th April tomorrow & I dread this day so much. Three years ago to that day I had a surgical abortion. I was about a week away from being allowed the pill to end the pregnancy & was told the surgical procedure was far better.

I remember laying in the bed on the ward, four other ladies in beds too. All knowing what each one of us was there for. I remember secretly hoping my husband would text & say please don't do this - he too was hoping I'd text him saying I'm coming home.

When I went down to the room & got on the op bed I knew there was no turning back - the surgeons were really nice.

When I came round I felt so empty & ashamed... And angry at myself. Going home was horrible. I felt no pain, no nothing. And I wanted to feel pain but there was nothing.

Until 6 weeks later when I lost a lot of blood (coming off a bus). I was told there was still remains left from the procedure and had to go through the whole experience again. I had all the pain that second time. I felt I was being punished.

Three years on & I still have the pregnancy test & all the paper work - I tell myself each year I will bury it, and finally let go... but I don't. Maybe tomorrow I might find the strength.

My husband isn't one for dwelling on the past, which is helpful. I doubt if he even remembers the date. Inside I miss that baby & I know I love the baby but do I have the right - I signed the permission form, no one else.

Reading the other story's shows me I'm not only one. You're all brave. And like me, I hope you can all bring yourselves to let go & forgive yourselves.

« The guilt I have is unbearable - does it ever get any easier?

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My medical abortion experience at a Marie Stopes clinic »

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