At 18 weeks I learned my baby has hydrocephalus and heart problems due to possible chromosomal abnormalities

I am 21 weeks pregnant and I love my baby girl. I am a single lesbian woman, 33 years old. I have a non-biological son that is 9 from a previous relationship that I was in for almost 5 years.

I wanted to have a baby of my own, to carry a child within me, to see her tiny face and kiss her little feet. I found a known donor willing to help me that had no prior problems in donating as my baby would be number 7, whereas number 1 to 6 were all born healthy.

I found out at my 18 and a half week scan that there were concerns about my baby so I was sent to a better hospital in a bigger city.

I was told my baby had 3 times the normal amount of fluid in her brain (hydrocephalus) which leads to brain damage, the severity of which is unknown.

Then they said her heart didn't look right. So far I've had an amnio and a fetal heart ultrasound. They found some weird things with her heart but because she wasn't in a good position they couldn't get all the pictures they needed and said she "could possibly" have a hole in her heart.

I am going to get the preliminary results of the amnio in about 11 hours to find out if there is something wrong with her chromosomes. Because I am so far along they want me to make the decision whether to terminate or not after the meeting I will attend in 11 hours.

I am devastated and I have no idea what to do. I feel her inside me and she is moving and her heart is beating... but if she has a chromosome issue I feel like I have to terminate. I won't have her suffer.

It makes me very sad to read so many stories about abortions for the simple fact that the pregnancy was 'inconvenient'. I would do anything in this world to make my baby healthy enough that I wouldn't have to make the worst decision in my life.

Even though I may choose to terminate my child it will be because I wanted her to live a full life and knowing she wouldn't get that chance, is the only reason why I do what I do. And even knowing all of her medical issues I will forever feel bad and wonder what she would have looked like, been like, how badly her disability would have been etc.

I will be able to forgive myself ONLY because my child was so very ill. Under any kind of normal circumstance, I wouldn't even THINK of terminating a pregnancy. I only hope my baby can somehow feel how much I love her.

This story was sent in on 22/10/2015

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