I vowed never again and now almost 10 years later it's the worse feeling in the world

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I am 25 and have just qualified as a nurse and have just gotten a job. I slept with two guys a day apart: one I had been seeing for 3 years and this was the first time we had slept together in a year and a half; and the other guy I had been sleeping with a few months.

When I found out I was worried as I didn't know who the baby's dad was which made me feel ashamed and guilty. But very soon I started to become attached and I told both guys who at first were nice to me and then pretty quickly turned nasty and whom I can say I no longer speak to anymore as neither wanted anything to do with it.

My family turned on me and I had some pretty nasty arguments with my mum and nan. I've never felt so isolated and alone but with a strong sense of love and protection for my growing little poppy seed.

Deciding to have an abortion was the worse thing I've ever done. I was forced to do it at 17 and vowed to never do it again and knowing I have to do it again almost 10 years later is the worse feeling in the world.

They never tell you what to expect, the fact that it almost feels like labour, the fact that you will most likely be on your own when you pass the baby and you have to use a bedpan in order for them to see it. Therefore you have to look at it and be traumatised, as I was.

I took my first pill today and will be going ahead with the rest of the process on Friday. I feel empty inside. I haven't told many people as it hurts too much. I haven't been able to speak for a few days I just silently cry.

I feel sad about the decision I've made but I knew I could never look at my baby not knowing who it's dad was, and not having support from anyone I wouldn't be able to raise it. I didn't want to create yet another broken family as I've lived through that and didn't want that for my baby.

Knowing that no one cared about me or my baby hurts the most. I just hope someday I can find someone who will love me and support me and a child.

This story was sent in on 22/10/2015

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