Now at 15 weeks, after several failed attempts, I could only have a late term medical abortion
After a lengthy journey of weight loss and gains, sporadic periods and often being hospitalised due to floodings from fibroids and other ickie problems... my weight had stabilised and I was happy for once in my life, not in pain or worrying about my body, just happy being me and my little boy.
I’d broken up with my then partner at the beginning of November and thought nothing towards my new-found behaviour and way of thinking... I was just FREE, free of stress, free or worry... just back to being happy.
Or so I thought!
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4 weeks later, I noticed I wasn’t eating meat and steadily just wanted vegetables and fish... everything else was one by one making me sick, also my sleep pattern had changed... I was sending my little boy to school and climbing back in bed for what I thought was a little nap, it turns out I was happily sleeping from 10 pm-7 am every night and then after putting my little one on his school bus I would go back to bed and sleep 8.30 am until 2.30 pm. IT WAS UNHEARD OF FOR ME!
So I decided on a whim to go out and by a test, expecting it to come back negative... the jury was in, after a cig and a glug of water I hesitated to return to the bathroom to peer at the test.
By this point I’ve moved one or two steps towards the room... my ex was on his way and I’m casually just sat there crying to him down the phone... what else could I do? It takes two to make a baby and I’m sat here thinking I’m doing this on my own... I felt like I needed my ex’s permission before I could open the door so decided to stay put and wait.
He arrives, looking confused and yet confrontational... a look of disgust in his eyes but his body language was saying... he didn’t have a clue.
So we grip hands, nod at each other after he picks me up off the floor and agrees, the decision is ours to make, not his, not mine, ours.
Reluctantly we both peer at the stick praying for one single line... nope, not to be, it was two very faint lines...
So I ring my local unplanned pregnancy clinic, arrange an appointment and turn up the following week.
Phew! My scan reveals I was only 5 weeks. So we arranged to come back the same week to do the medical abortion, only for things when I get home to go (for lack of better wording) tits up!
My nana had a fall that same night, breaking her back, so we had to cancel our appointments and phone back two weeks later when nana was back on her feet and able to move around a tad better.
Attempt two at booking my planned abortion, so I had to go in for a re-scan, this time the sonographer relays to me that I am in fact 10+4 and I’m now not eligible for a medical, I would have to be referred for a surgical termination...
So the steps are put in place and the following week I turn up at an unknown private clinic, after waiting for hours and being moved to the prep room where we have to get our gowns on and and have our pre-op obs done, the rest of the girls in my group are escorted down to the theatre waiting room and I am left to my own devices...
Until a young nurse comes in and kindly states *in front of a whole new group of ladies* that my BMI is too high and they are unable to operate due to clinic rules... there can be no exceptions!
I get myself dressed (at this point I am hysterical) and state I will be putting a formal complaint in due to ill management towards a client and that I will be taking this further, at which point the lovely nurse comes and finds me stood outside on the phone to my ex whom lives miles away pleading with him to come and collect me.
She turns to me and quietly says "I’m more than happy to get you a taxi and pay for your journey home on the hospitals account?". I accept due to me living so far away from the place... it cost £59 to get to my home.
So I get home and have to phone the central booking line to arrange another option...
I agreed to go through the NHS as it was my last hope (I couldn’t bare having a medical termination at this point as I had set my hopes on having a surgical due to me being past the 9 wk period...
So I turn up at an unknown NHS hospital, at a Well Woman clinic... I was told on the phone they offer surgical terminations up to 13 weeks and medical thereafter... so I have my rescan... and I am told another date - I am now apparently 15 wks and my only option is a late medical which is offered at the hospital until 17 weeks.
Reluctantly I had to agree, I haven’t gone through all I’ve gone through for me to turn back now. I have a child at home with special needs. I had to think of him first and foremost, before anyone else.
So we arrange for me to come back the following Tuesday for stage one and then Thursday for completion of the abortion... the delivery of the featus...
Tuesday I arrived late as traffic was horrendous but only had to take the tablets and go.
I arrived on Thursday, confused, anxious and worried but I’d already gone through the hard part apparently and there was no turning back.
I get taken to my private room and the nurses came in with 4 tablets on a tray (to be inserted) and 4 in a cup. The cup was painkillers (I opted out of the anal pessary) so oral meds it was...
I was to put the four on the tray inside after I’d been to the toilet and take the cup 4 just after to help with the pain... a doctor came by to take my bloods which was fine and we had a giggle (I’m covered in tattoos yet hate having needles).
A couple hours pass and nothing is happening, I had period like pains and that was all nothing drastic. I was still very able to move around and decided on a long walk around the grounds to clear my head.
I came back in and one of the nurses suggested a birthing ball, so after umming and ahhing I agreed...
3 hours later I’m still on the joy ball as I called it *it stopped the pains, not that they were bad, they were just very constant*.
I get off to have a wee only to not quite make it to the toilet when my waters break... I thought crap, panic stations! Called for the nurses, they come in and calm me down, having a giggle at the state of my pants (yes I took pjs, didn’t realise what I was doing) and they eventually left...
I mentioned I had bearing down pains and that I was just going to sit on the loo for a while, just as the nurses left I sneezed... the featus was delivered, I was crouched at this point just looking in disbelief, just this really well formed 16 week old featus hanging down, I was heart broken... yet relieved.
So the nurses were called again (not two minutes since I last called them) and assessed, unbeknown to me one of them ran off to grab the needle... I asked them not to tell me when I needed a needle as it keeps me calmer not knowing...
So they’ve done the needle and and said they would be back again and just as they left the room the placenta was delivered... it was over...
They came in to me cleaning up after myself, I’m not a dirty person, if I’ve made a mess... I tend to clean it. So the nurses left me to it and came back in shortly after and asked if I would like to see the baby, at this point I just wanted to make peace with my decision and agreed to have a little time with my baby.
So at this point I’ve had a cuppa and a biscuit (dunked obviously) and had time to calm down and they brought in my little baby, wrapped up in a little well presented cot. I WAS HEART BROKEN.
I spent over an hour holding his little hand and saying sorry, it was all I could do. The nurses came back to take him and I asked for some more time. They agreed as I was the last one on the ward and they were lovely, they had to keep me for a while for observation due to my medical history, they were truly lovely about my fragile state and said nothing more.
Another hour passed, at this point I’d finished saying my sorrys and even named my boy... which made things a little bit easier. I was deemed safe to go home, was handed my discharge papers and packed my things.
They noticed I still had my baby in my arms... so I said you can take him as long as I can walk him to the room (where they prep the featus for cremation...) I had a nurse in one hand and my baby in the other, it was lovely, I felt safe, I felt accepted for my decision.
I left light hearted and ok with my decision... it is however a decision I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I hadn’t planned this, nor would I like to go through the experience again, it broke me knowing what I had done to a precious little person... it’s not something I take lightly and it will stay with me because that’s what I wanted in the end... to remember the precious little time I had with my tiny perfect baby.
Thank you for reading, I just really needed to tell my story x