I had a surgical termination at 13 weeks and 3 days, 7 weeks ago.
We have both had troubled relationships in the past through no fault of our own and were intent on doing things 'the right way'. We scraped enough money together to buy our flat. I'd found my dream job in teaching and everything seemed fantastic. Although I don't disagree with abortion I have always vowed to myself it's something I could never do... now, of course, I have crossed my own barriers.
My partner and I didn't do a great deal of talking when I told him as there was not much to discuss. Our financial situation simply would not allow another mouth to feed. I was devastated as was he. I never had the courage to tell him I'd rather go bankrupt than take the life of my baby. I went to the doctors and was referred to Marie Stopes. Marie Stopes attempted three surgical abortions, all failing due to problems with my cervix. Every time we had geared ourselves up and every time I left the clinic pregnant. I was then transferred to Kings in London. We spent a horrific day there and my first words to my partner when I woke were 'I want my baby back'. The surgery had been a 'success' as the doctor called it. I went home in pieces. During the weeks leading up to the abortion, I had tormented myself with images on the internet which were now spinning round my head. That was seven weeks ago.
This week I was taken back to a local hospital for another procedure as my uterus had not been totally emptied and had become infected. I am home now and feel at rock bottom. I just can't forgive myself for my actions and it's too late. I feel like I'm never going to be me again. The day I consented for my baby to be taken, a piece of me died. It's affecting my relationship as my partner just doesn't understand. When I'm at work it eases a little, but I've started to notice when I'm doing jobs alone thoughts are creeping back in and I just can't escape. I've even considered going to my local council and asking for emergency accommodation because I see my partner and his family as part of the problem. Even my family, because they know what I've done, know what sort of person I've become.
I know this is totally irrational but I just can't get on an even keel. The only time I've felt remotely normal was when my partner and I went out and I was drunk. The biggest problem is no one wants to talk about it because everyone's ashamed and I don't blame them. I just want to be told these feelings of hopelessness and heartache will go. I wake up every day with pain in my heart and go to sleep the same way. Please tell me I will find a new way to be happy one day.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…You are in so much pain, aren’t you? Your head was telling you there was no way you could have this baby, especially with the financial situation you were in, but your heart was saying it didn’t care about the money – just have the baby. It’s from your heart that the pain is now surfacing and it feels like you can’t see a way out. You feel things are a little easier when you’re distracted, but it’s not really dealing with the pain you feel – it’s just masking it temporarily. I think you simply need some support to be able to work through the emotions you have experienced – the loss, the grief, the guilt and the shame. There is hope. It means hard work, but there is real hope for you to come through this. Contact your nearest centre and make an appointment for post-abortion counselling. Your partner may like to come too, so that he can understand more about how you've been affected. Our programme of recovery is called The Journey, tried and tested by many women who have come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness. It’s still early days for you, but have courage and make the appointment. We’ll be thinking of you.