I have lost all hope of ever getting over my termination.

By anonymous on 17/06/2008
Is there anyone out there that can help me? I have lost all hope of ever getting over my termination. I don’t even know now why I ever did it apart from the fact that I thought I would not cope with morning sickness. I think it all stems back to my first pregnancy that ended at 22 weeks. It was the decision of my husband and I as the baby had medical problems and the consultant gave us options of a termination. We took this route which meant I had to go through labour. Six weeks later I fell pregnant with my now oldest daughter who is 11. We went on to have a second daughter who is now 7.

It's the years following this that have been a disaster. I couldn’t really decide if I wanted another and found myself pregnant when the youngest was 3. I was terrified - more of the pregnancy part of not coping, working fulltime and dealing with morning sickness that I suffered with in all three pregnancies till 18 weeks. I feel so weak typing this and really do not expect a response as I feel unworthy of anybody’s time and effort. At six weeks I decided to end this. On the journey there I asked my husband if this was the right choice. He said let’s just stick to what we decided. I know he really wanted me to turn round and say we can do this but I couldn’t. I needed someone to say to me it will all work out; you can do it between you. I have since gone on to have two miscarriages and one more termination as I fell into depression. The doctor put me on anti depressants but they have not worked. From the outside looking in, we look like the perfect family but I am a shadow of my former self. But the sad thing is I have done all this to myself. No one has done it to me. I feel like I have put myself through self destruction. I longed for this but just couldn’t do it.

In the process of all this happening I lost my job of ten years and my husband split from his business partner who had apparently been fiddling the books for the past seven years. I only discovered this after working with them for three months. These things can be overcome with hard work but I can never put right what I did. My best friend fell with her third the first time I had a miscarriage. This has also been hard as she now has a 2 and a 1/2 year old who I see a lot of. People would be disgusted if they knew what I had done. I feel it’s tattooed on my forehead all the time. I cry everyday and have bad dreams every night. I feel I can’t enjoy my two beautiful girls because of what I did. I have looked in your archive but I only seem to find stories of people who had terminations early on in their lives or who have not been with a partner. Are there other women out there like me in a loving marriage that have done such awful things? My husband says I should try to get over it but I just can’t. He said I should stop living in the past and look to the future - but I’m so sinking fast - I know I’m very depressed but don’t know where or who to chat to. Thanks.

Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…There is so much going on inside you, isn’t there? You had to make an agonising decision about your first pregnancy. It must have caused you so much grief and pain; pain that was perhaps alleviated but not properly healed falling pregnant again so quickly. It sounds as if you were in two minds about the first termination, hoping to be rescued from doing it, and which resulted in depression setting in quickly. Your subsequent miscarriage simply compounded the negative emotions you felt.

It seems as if you are suffering from regret, guilt, shame, grief and a sense of loss. Not knowing what to do with these emotions, depression has settled over you like a grey blanket. This is not a history that can simply be forgotten; it needs to be healed. There is hope for you. You can come to a place where you are not robbed of enjoying your two daughters; and a place where they will not be robbed of their lovely mum. I want to encourage you strongly to find your nearest centre, make an appointment for post-abortion counselling and start to tell your story as the first step on your journey to freedom. We’ll be thinking of you.

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