I've just been looking through the archives on your website, and have just read the story of the lady who had an abortion in 1999...By anonymous on 10/06/2008
I've just been looking through the archives on your website, and have just read the story of the lady who had an abortion in 1999, I too had an abortion in my forties (44), after becoming pregnant by the only man I have ever loved, (but who is also married to somebody else). I too have gone through the enormous range of emotions, from suicidal thoughts, to desperation, and to raging guilt. My rage was directed towards other people for no apparent reason, and because of that, I have also lost valuable friends, and work colleagues.
I'd like to address the rest of my story direct to that lady: If you are reading this, I understand, and I feel for you. Both of us have lost our chance, (because of our age), to ever have a baby in the future, and that future can feel so dark and utterly pointless. Abortion at any age is traumatic, but at ours, we feel like we ourselves have delivered the final nail in the coffin of any fertility we may have had left. What I'd also like to say to you, is that it CAN get a bit better - a touch of lucidity through the dark moments. My abortion was nearly 5 years ago now, and although it can hit me still with such force, other times I feel calmer. You say that you cannot stand to be around pregnant women or children - I hope that in time, that feeling will recede. I myself now take comfort from being around young kids, and in the future, even hope to possibly become a foster parent. If you are still a visitor to this website, I so sincerely hope that you have started to feel better, and have taken some steps to start to live again…In other words, that you may have found some peace. Yours in understanding.
Editor’s note: Thank you for writing in with your encouragement for the lady you read about…For many of us, our pain remains like an underground river that occasionally bubbles up and surfaces at our most vulnerable moments…That river can run quietly or it can rage underground but most of the time we don’t see it, only becoming aware of it at times when we allow ourselves to dwell on the cause of the pain or are reminded of it by something in our path.
Healing doesn’t mean keeping the river underground at whatever cost; this is merely denial, the illusion of healing. Nor does it mean just redirecting it, such as fighting a cause, although many positive outcomes can emerge from this. Healing means getting down into it; going to the source of it; facing the grief, guilt and anger and applying the power of forgiveness. ‘The Journey’ post-abortion support programme available through your nearest centre can provide the opportunity for just this, and I want to encourage you to discover what greater freedom there is for you. We’ll be thinking of you.