I had two abortions. I got married when I was 17.
One happened when I was 16, before I was married. My boyfriend was in college and I was in high school. My boyfriend quit college because of it. I was terrified to tell my Mom. She had always told me that when you have kids, your life is over. She made me terrified to have kids. She talked about how awful it was all the time.
The other one happened when I was 18. I was married at the time I was pregnant. My husband wanted the baby, but I was scared to death. My husband and I divorced when I was 20. Then I got pregnant with the man I left my husband for. (I know I sound like an awful person, but my first husband was into drugs and I could not take it.)
My second husband told me he could not have kids. We were having awful problems and he was a really bad guy. This I did not realize until it was too late. I was 22 when I got pregnant for the third time. I felt guilty about the abortions, so I knew I had to have this baby even though I was still not ready for a child emotionally or financially. Jobs were awful hard to find. We were in a recession in ‘82. My husband would not work and stole all our money to gamble.
I had a baby girl. It was a very hard birth. I had to have a C-section and she was overdue. She was a very beautiful baby and I loved her so much! I could not believe how much I loved her. I kept thinking, ‘what was my mother talking about?!’
Her father and I split when she was only three months old and he took off. I raised her entirely by myself with no help from him at all. It was very hard, but my love for my daughter was so strong. When my daughter was eight years old, she told me that the boyfriend I was living with had touched her inappropriately. I confronted him and he denied it. I told my daughter I would have him put in jail, but she said no. I told the boyfriend to leave and he said he would go, BUT I never reported it because I was afraid of what would happen to my little girl.
Later my brother was killed. We were very close. My grief was overwhelming and I just lost it. I developed major depression issues which I have never recovered from. Finally the boyfriend moved out and I got involved with a really good man. My daughter was ten then. We never lived together because I wanted to set a good example for my daughter because of all my bad choices in my life. I had turned my life to God and was trying to live right. I had regretted so many of my choices.
I married after dating him for three years. My daughter started to have many issues and got very mean and angry all the time. She began to get into trouble all the time. I tried talking to her, took her to see many counsellors and tried to get her on medication. I thought maybe she was jealous, but I had always told her I loved her more than anything in the world! She would not cooperate at all.
I suspected that she was gay. She cut her wrist when she was in the tenth grade. She would cut herself when she got upset. Then she got into drugs. When she was 18, she left and joined the army and told me she was gay. She said she fought it and hated herself for it. She moved away from us and never came back home. She got pregnant and was upset about it because it was with a married man and she was in the military. I had never told her about my own experiences. I told her she would regret it, but it was her own decision. I had wanted a grandchild, but I wanted her to be happy and able. My daughter was not stable and had mental issues, too. She ended up having an abortion. She had said she had a blood clot in her cervix. I thought maybe it was a sign.
The point to this long drawn out story is this......abortion choices are wrong! That is a life that can NEVER be gotten back. My daughter KILLED herself two and a half months ago! She was my ONLY child and I also have no grandchildren nor will I ever! I planned to give my daughter everything when I died....I have no one to leave what I busted my back to get. Her life is GONE and I keep thinking....IF I had insisted on her having that baby and TOLD her what I went through....maybe she would still be here!! She would have LOVED that baby just like I loved her! Then I would also have a grandchild to love. A mother's love is so intense! You have no idea until you have a child how strong that love is! NOW I have NO ONE! The pain is so overwhelming and the guilt in unreal!
I had always prayed and prayed for my daughter. GOD gave me another chance when my daughter got pregnant. AGAIN I messed up and I claim to be a CHRISTIAN! I am a MONSTER! I was selfish and was worried about the ‘inconveniences’ of an unexpected baby! I have never told my mother about any of this. It would kill her. My husband knows, but only him. I have asked for forgiveness, but I feel I do not deserve it. How can I? My guilt over not telling my daughter how wrong abortion is so terrible! I just know she would never have done something like this if she had had that baby. My daughter was the only thing that kept me going after my brother died. Now she is gone! Maybe SHE also felt guilt over HER abortion. What have I done!!!
PLEASE do NOT ever have an abortion! You have NO idea how much it will affect you! Have the baby…give it up for adoption…anything but abortion! I feel like I have killed four children! I also feel like God punished me for what I did because my life has been filled with turmoil and depression. I know it is my guilt. PLEASE, PLEASE do not take away a life! God gives us this life…I took away life, then my precious daughter took away her own life. Guilt is something awful and terrible to carry. I hope God forgives my beautiful daughter for her decisions because she suffered for my awful mistakes. My daughter was so beautiful and so smart, but she was a mess inside. Her heart could not take all the ugliness of this world. I feel I added to the ugliness of it. Love your babies no matter when it happens. You may never get the chance again.
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…You’re in such deep pain, aren’t you? There are many issues that are causing you this pain, but I just want to highlight a few things that I notice about what you’ve written. I think you have layers of loss and grief and guilt and sadness in your life that have become a heavy burden for you. I think you may need some support to sort out in your mind the things for which you feel false guilt; and the things for which you do have some accountability. None of us can take responsibility for someone else’s decisions, including your daughter’s decision to escape the pain of her life in the way she did.
Above all, because you say you are a Christian, you need to become really clear about the difference between how God sees who you are and how he sees what you do. There is a world of difference. One is about your behaviour – what you do – and the other is about your identity – who you are. It’s not a good idea to confuse the two. In that case, it is not legitimate to call yourself negative names, such as a monster. It’s just not true. The Christian faith values every individual for who they are – and that includes you - and addresses issues of what they do separately through forgiveness.
It sounds as if you might need some Christian counselling to help you peel back the layers of pain in your life; to help you see things according the your faith more clearly and to find healing, rather than try and struggle with it on your own. As I believe you may be in the States, you may need to look on the internet locally to find a suitable counsellor. Begin with a Christian counselling service that will be able to help you in the area of your uppermost need, whether this is to do with your abortions, your daughter’s death or even your life with a mother who said that having kids was awful.
We’ll be thinking of you. Thank you for writing in.