I was absolutely broken - I never wanted my first experience to be like this

By Frances

Being 23 and pregnant with no boyfriend was one of the biggest kicks in the teeth I had ever faced. During the time I found this out I had already contracted a mild form of pneumonia and pleurisy, this left me bed-bound (killer for me, being a fitness instructor!).

With my mum being out at work all day I was left to rest by myself due to having to take time off work. Being a generally positive person I quietly felt defeated, but stupidly decided to keep it to myself, until I realised there are things in life that you can’t and you shouldn’t do alone. If you are still reading, please tell someone of your hurt before it eats you.

It was about to get much worse

After an awful time, it was about to get so much worse...

Skip to the abortion and all the feelings I felt, I knew this was the right decision. I was in and out of the clinic in 30 mins as the most robotic lady dashed through the process - maybe this helped as I had no time to think.

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I wasn't equipped for what I was about to witness

All I can say is no one ever equipped me for what I was to witness when I got home. All they say is 'cramping and bleeding'...

5 hours later after minor bleeding, the biggest clumps of gunk and so much blood came out, painful and distressing but it was fine. After time on the loo, I dashed to my bedroom for more pads, upon going back to the toilet I felt something, my hand reached down and out dropped my 9-week old baby.

In the palm of my hand laid the most beautiful precious little soul I’d ever laid eyes on. I was absolutely broken. I uncontrollably cried and was struggling to breathe. The baby laid next to me looking - just me and the baby together alone.

Nobody tells you this may happen

I never expected to hold my baby like this. I’d dream of me lying in the hospital bed with my healthy newborn whilst my partner is by my side. I never wanted it to be like this, my first experience of part of me, staring at me after I had killed it.

It’s eyes, nose and mouth sitting perfectly on its face. 5 fingers, two arms and only one leg. I never gave it the chance to grow the second leg. I knew exactly what I was doing, terminating a pregnancy, but as soon as the baby fell into my hands nothing could prepare me for the emotions I drowned in.

Nobody tells you this may happen. I wish I dropped into the toilet. I wish I never got to hold it and feel the bittersweet emotion of knowing I let go of the love of my life. The memory of my baby will live with me forever and before I finally let it go I asked for its forgiveness, I can only hope it accepted it.

I'll never go through the ordeal of abortion again

The ordeal of abortion is not something I will ever carelessly let myself go through again and I would never wish it on anyone. My heart goes out to all the woman facing it. I will be absolutely fine and one day I will forgive myself, we should all forgive ourselves.

Rest in peace angel.

Frances sent this story in on 08/02/2019

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