The pain is still as strong...

At 18, I had everything I ever wanted. I was at college studying to be a nursery nurse. I had a part-time job, money to myself, great friends and a fantastic social life. I'd been sleeping with a very good friend, you could say my best friend, but the only catch was he had a girlfriend. Every possible chance we had, we would meet up and I’d stay over at his place. His girlfriend never found out. I suppose I knew I was pregnant. My mum had gone away for her 40th birthday and I should have come on the day she came back, but a week later the period had still not come. My mum asked the ‘ARE YOU PREGNANT?’ question. All week my answer was no! But then I started to ask myself ‘Was I pregnant?’ I was weeing a lot, my breasts were tender and I was feeling sick. I went to my doctor’s and told him my symptoms. He told me there was a strong possibility that I was pregnant. I went home and told my mum. She went straight to the local supermarket and bought a pack of two tests. I didn't even have to look at the stick - I already knew what it was going to say. My world came crashing down besides me. I didn't know what to do. I sat on the bathroom floor and cried for hours, asking the same question over and over, ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Why me?’ Mum didn't take it too well at first. I booked an appointment at the doctor’s the next morning and they confirmed I was 5 weeks 5 days pregnant. The doctor referred me for an abortion. My head was telling me it was the right thing; my heart was telling me I was crazy! The following week I started to bleed and the doctor told me he was 99% sure I was going to miscarry. I went home that night and cried myself to sleep… The following Friday I went for my first scan. I was convinced that I'd lost my baby but to my amazement it was still there! The women asked me if I wanted to look but I couldn't, something I’ve lived to regret everyday since. I went to see the baby’s dad the next day. He knew there was something wrong with me and guessed I was pregnant. He told me there was no possible way the baby could be his because he'd had the snip. Faced with the fact he was telling me this baby couldn't be his, even though I knew it was, I did not want to split him and his girlfriend up. I wanted to please everybody else and do something with my life. I aborted my baby on the 23rd of June 2005 at 10 weeks 5 days. However, things didn't go to plan. They had to resuscitate me. I also lost a lot of blood afterwards. The day I aborted my baby I lost the will to live. Everything I ever built up I threw away. Through grief and pain I dropped out of college, threw myself into partying and fell out with all my best friends. The baby’s dad finally admitted 3 weeks later he had lied and we no longer speak! A year on, the pain is still as strong as it was the day I told my unborn child I was sorry I was taking its life away. Editor’s note: I want to thank you for sharing your story so honestly. I see you have just had the first anniversary date of your abortion experience – it is common to feel low around this time and I wonder how you are feeling now. You obviously experienced very mixed feelings at the time of your decision with your head saying one thing and your heart another. It might be helpful for you to talk to someone confidentially, either at your nearest centre, via the helpline or Online Advisor. There is sensitive help and understanding available for you.

This story was sent in on 25/07/2006

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