I found out I was pregnant...
I found out I was pregnant on the 2nd May 2006. I couldn't believe it when I stared down at that pregnancy test in the toilet cubicle. You always presume that it won't happen to you; well I guess I did anyway. I didn't cry, I was just in total shock but I guess you could also say that I felt happy. I had a child inside me. It had happened for a reason.
I couldn't wait to tell my boyfriend and made him come earlier to see me that evening. When I told him, he couldn't believe it either and he just laughed, so I laughed too. In reality we should have expected it because we weren't very careful, in fact we were so uncareful, it was almost as if deep down we wanted it to happen, or so I thought. My boyfriend asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that I wanted to keep the baby and I didn't feel I could go through with an abortion. When he suggested it, I felt angry at him and started to cry.
When we walked down the street that day, I felt special, there was no longer two of us, now we were three, a little family. My boyfriend said that he could not keep the news to himself. That next day when he kissed me goodbye he told me he loved me so much and that we would make it work. We were already play-fighting over names. He told all his friends and family, so I told my father, who was surprisingly happy, and some of my friends.
As the week went on, I still hadn’t told my mother and decided it was time. She went ballistic as I was only just finishing my degree and hadn't started my career yet. My mum told me she had never been more disappointed in me and insisted I have an abortion. The next day I spoke to my boyfriend’s mother and she more subtly said the same thing. Then I asked my boyfriend how he felt and he told me that he thought 'the timing wasn't right' and that he wanted us to have more money...etc...etc...
During this time my closest friend had a miscarriage and virtually refused to speak to me because I was now pregnant with the only thing in the world that she wanted. My best friend was travelling in Australia. Many of my few remaining friends suggested I think about abortion, so I went to the doctor’s and set up an arrangement. It was funny to see the turn of events, both mine and my boyfriend’s mum returned back to normal - happy and bright - as if nothing important was about to happen. I felt as though I wanted to die. I kept rubbing my stomach, wishing the whole situation would just work out somehow. I think I knew deep down that I didn't want to go through with it but I guess I just wanted someone to rescue me and tell me that I would be ok, but nobody did.
There was only a week between the doctor’s appointment and the abortion. It was the saddest and longest week of my life; I cried my heart out in my university flat on my own because my friend had gone home early. My boyfriend kept letting me down and didn't see me much that week. I knew it was because he couldn't cope with how upset I was. At the end of the week, the night before the abortion, he left me on my own and so I finished the relationship and went through the abortion on my own. It was a series of pills, the first pill was quick and easy to take. I took it and cried and cried for hours. It reacted badly with my body and I couldn't stop throwing up. Two days later I went back into hospital and was given a series of pills but the pain was so painful the hospital had to give me drugs to stop me screaming.
The day after the abortion was finished, I considered suicide. I felt that I had never been more depressed. At night I prayed for my baby’s forgiveness and that wherever it was, they would be safe and happy. In those weeks following, I was a nervous wreck. I had lost my partner and my baby and also the love I had for myself. But this is not a totally sad story.
It has been 2 and a half months since I had the abortion and my baby would have been 4 months now. I still think about it everyday and believe it was a beautiful little girl. But I also know that you only get one life so I made a list of positive things that I could do with myself so that I could turn my life around. I started exercising regularly, applied for my driving licence, made plans to travel and finished my degree. I am glad I left my partner because I needed a strong man who would have stood by me when I made the hardest decision I ever made. I am now receiving counselling and feel better because I made the positive step forward to do this. It doesn't mean that I don’t regret the choice I made but I do feel happier because I believe I am trying to turn my life around. I still cry but that's ok...my counsellor has taught me that I am grieving for the loss of my child and I guess deep down what any woman really feels is that they blame themselves for what they have done, and the only way you can get over this is with help and time. For as long as I live I will not forget what happened but I am willing to be positive about the future because I believe that everyone deserves to be happy, no matter what mistakes they have to live with.