I am in my 30s and have just had a medical abortion. I am married and have two beautiful healthy children.
When I discovered I was pregnant I was shocked but also proud of myself because I felt feminine. I really didn't want to be pregnant again though as I suffer terribly with morning sickness and lethargy, plus kidney infections. I also have other health problems. At work it is hard to motivate yourself when you are feeling so ill. I told my husband and he was very upset as he knew how much we struggled bringing our two up financially and we had just got ourselves on track and able to afford things for us all.
I battled with my emotions the whole time. I went to the abortion clinic and they were lovely and I then thought, yes, I can bring up another baby, we can do this. My husband and I even told the kids (big mistake, I know) but they weren't too happy as they are very close and one would have had to share with the little one eventually. Although I had made my mind up to keep the baby I wasn't convinced or indeed happy with my decision. I kept crying and thinking of all the things we had achieved and now we would be going backwards, and things are getting more expensive. This, coupled with morning sickness (all day), was making me feel so miserable. All I did was lie in bed thinking and it was tearing me apart. Surely I should have been happy with my decision? Why was something else telling me differently?
I also worry about my age. I know lots of people have kids in their 30's and 40's but I still worry about the risks of Downs etc as my age was in the risk bracket. On the personal side, I didn't want to lose my identity; I have just got this back! So, I made another appointment at the clinic and I spoke to a lovely nurse who commended me on thinking of everyone and how it would affect us all and that I wasn’t selfish. In fact, selfless.
I took the tablet that stops the pregnancy in its tracks. There was no going back now. I had to wait 24 hours before going back to the clinic for the pessary. I felt really awful waiting. The following day, I had the pessary and not long after the cramps came really thick and fast with heavy bleeding. This lasted several hours but then died down. I was very sick too and my body was shaking. I really felt like this was my punishment and couldn't stop crying.
We had to tell the children that the baby hadn't grown and that I had lost it. They were fine, gave me a big cuddle and told me they loved me. However, today, I feel very different. I have no nausea and that alone makes me feel better and I can now think much straighter. This baby would have been loved, that goes without saying, but I had to think of my two children. I want the very best for them and not to have to struggle. There would have been a big age gap too. I am not saying that everything you do costs money to have fun, but most of the time it does. Struggling is miserable. I have been there, and I know as they get older they want more things. Then there are university costs; the list goes on! I know I have made the right choice.
My heart was breaking over this, believe me, and each memorable date that goes past will be painful, but I have to be positive. I just want to end this with: If you are 100% happy with your choice, then go for it, whatever the decision you make. Never be pushed into a decision; it is your body. If you feel desperately unhappy about keeping a baby, then now is the not the right time for you and there will be a time when it is right. If you feel awful at the thought of having an abortion and really feel you couldn't do it, then don't do it. Please remember though to sometimes take out the emotional side of things and look practically at the decisions too. A baby is for life, they grow up needing more and more, but they do give a lot back! An abortion can hurt at the time but it will get better. It has only been a couple of days for me and already I feel better about things, which makes me feel it was the right choice. I hope this helps people and I wish you all luck whatever you decide to do.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It sounds as if you have had to weigh up a lot of factors to make the decision you came to in the end – money, health concerns, your physical lack of well-being in pregnancy, feeling miserable, your need for time to yourself, as well as your need to feel more like yourself again. You had to face the potential losses that would occur if you had kept the baby, didn’t you? These are all very important considerations. For you, it’s possible there may also be a little more to it.
You don’t say at what stage you had your late miscarriage – whether it was before, in between or after your two children’s births, or whether you had any support or counselling afterwards. I feel it might help you to check with yourself if you have fully come to terms with that loss and pain. You obviously adore your two existing children and felt positive at first about this latest pregnancy. Perhaps deep down you felt the fear of going through a negative experience again and this was what was disturbing you about being pregnant, rather than all the circumstances. It’s just something for you to consider, no more. You seem to have endured a lot and hearts are easily hurt by things that happen to us as mothers.
If you ever need some support, for either your miscarriage or your recent experience, please get in touch again, won’t you? We’ll be thinking of you.