I had a surgical abortion in April 2008 at 9 weeks.

I had a surgical abortion in April 2008 at 9 weeks. I am very happily married, I have two wonderful children under three years and the pregnancy was planned. With both my previous pregnancies, I suffered quite a lot of illnesses including hyperemesis (severe morning sickness), polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid), swollen ankles, heart burn and antenatal depression (though I didn't realise how depressed I was at the time, or that there was any help available for it). With my most recent pregnancy I got very very sick straight away, and I began feeling very depressed. I felt unable to leave the house in case I was sick, and felt more sick as I was sitting at home thinking about how sick I felt. I had two small children, both in nappies and I couldn't cope. I just felt I was being terribly selfish and unfair on them for being so ill and (in my mind) not being able to look after them properly while I was so ill. I decided that the only thing I could do was have a termination (and my husband agreed). I stopped thinking that I was pregnant and simply that I was ill and once I had had my operation I would be well again. I even began looking forward to the operation and feeling better again. I did feel better straight after the operation (which was incredibly smooth and painless). It is only now, when I am nearing what would have been my due date that I am finding it so difficult to cope. I hate seeing new babies as all I can think is ‘that should have been me’. Plus now, I know there is help out there for the depression and if I had just got myself up and gone out everyday, I wouldn't have felt so sick, and I would have felt better eventually. I desperately want another baby but am scared of other people’s reactions and my own guilt for allowing my last baby to be taken. Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…You were under intense pressure from feeling sick, weren’t you? It is really uncomfortable and debilitating when you have to look after two small children as well. I think you have realised that you cut yourself off from the inner knowledge that this was a pregnancy and now you are feeling the deeper emotional response to the loss of a planned baby. To be unable to be near other babies is a normal response after abortion, but it’s a sign that you are deeply uncomfortable with what has happened. Due dates and anniversaries are typically difficult. It would probably help you to talk through your experience and explore your deeper feelings in order to resolve them healthily. You can visit your nearest centre, ring the helpline or use Online Advisor for support. Don’t suffer in silence. There is hope. We’ll be thinking of you.

This story was sent in on 03/10/2008

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