I remember it like it was only yesterday. I was young, naive and 18 years old.
By anonymous on 06/10/2008
I remember it like it was only yesterday. I was young, naive and 18 years old. I had just begun studying at one of the best universities in the UK. It was the week after freshers’ week and, after a missed period, I knew it would not be good news. I took three pregnancy tests and all of them said positive. Those two blue lines you just dread. I went straight to the doctor’s only for them to confirm what I already knew - that I was five and a half weeks pregnant. It was a nightmare. I told my ex at the time. He was also young at the time - only 17 - and he just claimed I was a slag and that the baby wasn’t his. Now I'm just cynical about men. They get scared, so that turns to denial. I didn’t even feel annoyed. It’s almost what I expected. I just felt completely numb. I didn’t tell my parents; just a few friends at uni. It couldn’t have come at a worse time.
Anyway, the doctor booked me in for an appointment at the hospital and by the time I had my abortion, I was about 8 weeks pregnant. I still remember seeing the scan now; this lump of god-knows-what. I chose to have the medical operation as I felt I had more control, which is pretty ironic under the circumstances. Still, the nurse inserted the four tablets and I started to bleed heavily. It took a couple of hours but it finally came out. They had to dose me up with so much morphine. I was having labour pains; I was in agony, but I just thought it’s the price you pay for committing such an evil act.
It’s now almost two years on and I'm still at uni. I think about it all the time. It might have been the right decision at the time, but I feel so weak to have not even contemplated having it. It’s almost the two year anniversary and I am regretting it more and more as the years go past. The biggest guilt is that I had a perfect opportunity to conceive a child yet there are many loving couples struggling to have babies and that is just the worse thing....
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…Your pregnancy came at a time of huge change in your life, which made it much more difficult to contemplate keeping a baby. You had the pressure on you of having made it into one of the best universities and yet facing a life-changing decision. It’s important to realise that whatever you’d have chosen, the decision would have been life-changing. Once pregnant, there is really no pain-free solution; only the opportunity to choose the path ahead, the path that you can live with.
It sounds very much that despite the fact that it solved the problem of your circumstances, there is still a message from your heart telling you it’s not happy about his experience. It’s probably regret and guilt, as you say, especially as you say the pain was ‘payment’ for what you did. It would probably help you to have some support at this time, especially as you are facing another anniversary. Why not visit your nearest centre and talk it through with someone who understands these issues? You can also ring the helpline or use Online Advisor to speak to someone and have on going support. We’ll be thinking of you.
