I hope this will help someone out there. I had a medical termination 3 weeks ago.

By anonymous on 31/10/2008
I hope this will help someone out there. I had a medical termination 3 weeks ago. I will start at the beginning: I’m 21 years old, and I’m currently studying in university. I was with the father at the time. Have you ever had a gut feeling and denied it? I write my period dates down every month. I missed July but knew I'd had a period, then it got to August and alarm bells started ringing. I had been lethargic for weeks, I felt sick, and I had put on weight. So one evening I did a test at my boyfriend’s house. I can remember thinking it wouldn't work as it was very late. However, sure enough, it said positive straight away. I have never been so afraid in my life. I knew it would say that deep down but I didn't expect it to be true. My boyfriend had been pacing up and down and I opened the door and burst into tears. I can remember feeling guilty that some women never will experience that, and some women wait for it month after month, but there I was getting a positive result and feeling…well, I can’t describe it.

Anyway, I told close friends and family. His mother and father were supportive; mine weren't. Well, like any mother she wanted the best for me, but at the time I hated her. I resented her. She told me I should wait, that there'd be other babies when I could support them. This hurt because I knew it was true.

I had been to the Doctor to arrange a termination as it took three weeks for an appointment and I could always change my mind. Those three weeks were the worst three weeks of my life. A week before my first appointment, my then boyfriend cheated on me. He had promised me the world, yet he cheated on me and finished it. I felt all my options had been taken away from me. I wanted a child to come into a stable environment, one where it wouldn't want for anything. Anyway, I went to my first appointment which was awful. I can remember looking round at all these girls all there for the same reason and feeling this guilt, shame.

I went for my scan and was told that I was seven weeks. I made the mistake of looking at the screen. I’m glad I did as it showed me it was just a blob. I was then told it was the size of a finger nail, and a medical abortion would be best. My main concerns were infection and damage, but these are a lot less likely when you don’t have an operation. I felt relieved that I was only seven weeks. However I had to wait another week to go to hospital for the first tablet. Then I returned two days later. They told me to expect slight bleeding spotting. The night before I was due to go in I had awful pain and without sounding graphic it looked like I’d been shot. I was devastated; I think it was shock. Nobody told me that could happen. I cried as it was really happening; I think I’d been in denial.

The next morning I went to hospital. Nobody was allowed to go with me. I was shown to a room with five beds with curtains round them and told to get changed. I have never felt so alone before. I was also feeling very ill from the original tablet. An hour or so later a nurse came to see me and told me she'd be inserting a tablet into my vagina. I desperately tried to explain that it had started heavy bleeding etc (trying to keep some dignity) but she didn't listen to me. She didn’t tell me if that was normal. so I let her get on with it. I was told that every time I needed the loo to use a bed pan. And that was it. No other nurse came to see me; you were left to it. Towards the afternoon the pain got bad. I had to wait two hours for pain relief. Eventually I felt something slide out of me and I made myself look. I was sick, I cried, but I did it. And I can honestly say it didn’t look like a baby well not that I could see. This happened a few more times until I had passed everything I then had an injection in my thigh due to my blood group and I was allowed home. However, the big clots were still coming so I had to ring the hospital.

I heard nothing from the father during this. He texted once to check he was off the hook and that was it. Over the next few days I continued heavy bleeding and pain. I had my procedure and five days later I returned to the doctors. I had to have another examination - I had an infection. I had a week’s course of antibiotics, yet I was still in pain and bleeding heavily, so another examination and another two weeks of antibiotics. This is due to the fact I wasn’t given a week’s antibiotics when I was released from hospital. I felt I should write this because you need to ask questions. I remember searching every website under the sun looking for experiences, answers anything.

The decision really is yours. Circumstances play a huge role, people’s opinions, everything. I did so much soul searching but I’m now at peace with my decision. I know I did the right thing. Doesn’t stop the pain and the guilt and the tears but deep down you have to make the right decision. It’s not something you can regret; it will eat you up. I had no dignity throughout this experience I feel let down by the NHS and by the nursing staff who showed no compassion. And I also feel bitter that I haven’t been able to move on and heal. This infection has been a constant reminder. Nobody tells you what's right and what's wrong after an abortion, about pain, bleeding, time scales. I’m so glad I went back to the Doctors.

I don't want to discourage people from having a termination, but it isn’t an easy way out; it takes time to heal not just mentally but physically. I will never forget and I will never make that mistake again. Please be careful what sites you read when your making your decision. Pro life ones are very biased, I found it incredibly hard to find a site that was non judgemental and had stories and experiences positive and negative. I hope my story helps someone out there.

Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…It sounds as if you have been through a lot of turmoil in your decision-making process and in the days after your abortion. It obviously wasn’t a positive experience for you and I think you are left with many different emotions, struggling to be at peace with yourself. I don’t think you yet have that peace – guilt, tears and pain don’t add up to being at peace, even when you feel it’s been the right decision circumstantially. It has cost you, deep down, hasn’t it? I really feel it would help you to have some support, to offload some of these emotions and gain an understanding of what is going on inside you. It might be helpful for you to contact your nearest centre and make an appointment for post-abortion support. We’ll be thinking of you.

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